You might think I would be hungry after not eating a real food for nineteen years, but I am not. Almost twenty years ago, at age forty, I was diagnosed with throat cancer. Yes, I was a smoker. After radical surgery and radiation I emerged with a slight speech impediment and the inability to swallow solid food. Still I was alive, so I just carried on.
My beloved husband William, who passed away four years ago, spent many hours pureeing food for me and making sure I didn’t choke. After his death I literally lived on cheesecake, pound cake, instant mashed potatoes, some baby food, and coffee. That is everything, period. Since I now live alone, I didn’t try anything else in case I would need the Heimlich maneuver. I thought I was doing fine.
Recently I realized I could not swallow at all. It was gradual. Scar tissue from the radiation damage built up over the years. I started coughing more when eating and not finishing my already pitiful amount of food. I never drink water as most liquids come out my nose so I became dehydrated. I was very, very malnourished before I had my son take me to the hospital. I have always been thin, averaging a hundred pounds on my 5’8” frame, but I went down to 82 pounds. Long story short—I now have a feeding tube which, after many trials and tribulations, seems to be the best answer for me. I have a pump I connect to which feeds me liquid nourishment all night long. I disconnect myself during the day. One more thing, somewhere along the line I developed a mild case of Parkinson’s disease in my left arm.
I spent thirty-two years serving part-time in the Army Reserve retiring as a Master Sergeant. I never deployed overseas due to my medical problems, but prior to my throat cancer surgery, I was one of the Army Reserve spokespersons in the New York City area appearing on television and new programs explaining our role in national defense during Desert Storm. Later I worked as a Department of the Army civilian public affairs specialist. I retired on disability about two years ago.
People tell me I inspire them with my upbeat attitude, but I don’t see it. It is easy to go forward when there is nowhere else to go. If I was going to lie down and die it would have been when I became a widow. As it is I have a large circle of family and friends who rally around and make sure I am doing well. I regularly see Broadway plays, go to movies, and maintain as active a life style as my health permits. I just celebrated my sixtieth birthday and feel I am blessed. And no, I don’t feel hungry, my normal doesn’t include food. The moral of my story is you can get used to anything, just keep moving ahead.
