Sometimes I get caught up in thoughts about “if only ... “ or “I wish I could ...” or “I can’t afford it ... ” (the last one being one of my most common sayings). It’s not like I live my life being negative because I don’t. As a matter of fact, I am a very positive person. I just have this ingrained pride that has a real hard time accepting the fact that I am basically ‘poor’. Of course I am. I am on welfare. I have Section 8 housing. I am always running very low on gas. I have food stamps that last until about the fifteenth of the month. My daughter needs braces very badly—with obvious medical reasons—and “they” say those reasons aren’t extreme enough to qualify for Medi-Cal to pay for them. I wonder what we have to do to qualify for a medical reason? You would think with today’s technology that a thirty month long bout with braces is grounds for medical reason. Whatever ... Maybe I need a second, or third, opinion.
That brings me to the reason I am writing this. Regardless of all the things I can’t afford, I am still living a rewarding life. I am so thankful that my four children (ages one-thirteen) are basically healthy. I am so thankful that I have not had to deal with the loss of a child, or a child with a terminal illness, or mental illness, or even a child with deformities that require twenty-four hour medical care. None with Down syndrome or autism. Granted, those children are just as special as any other child, I am talking about the time consuming effort put in to raising them. None of them have ever come up ‘missing’ or ‘kidnapped’ or ‘murdered’ or ‘abused’ or even hit by a car. I am so thankful that my children and I have God in our lives.
I am so thankful that I have never taken a life in any way, by accident, anger, hatred, or deliberately. Believe me, I have been unsafe before and had some very close calls and I just know that God was watching out for me. I am so thankful that we have a nice, comfortable house to live in—right next door to a nice park. The neighborhood is nice, also. I am so thankful for the family I have and that there isn’t anger or degradation or jealousy or fighting or conflict in it. There is security and love and laughter and encouragement in my whole family. I am so thankful that my grandma turned one hundred years old today and for all the memories I have of her as I was growing up.
I am so thankful that I have a dependable vehicle to drive no matter how low the gas tank gets. I am so thankful that I enjoy writing and reading—even if they don’t get me far in life … the pleasure I get from them is more than enough. I am so thankful that crooked teeth and gaps are the only 'real' problem my thirteen-year-old daughter has. I am so thankful that I am able to have my kids with me, even in poverty. I wouldn’t trade one second of my time with my kids—moments like when my five year old asks, “How much do you love me, Mommy?” and I respond, “Oh, Hannah, I love you way past this whole universe and the stars and the farthest planets, … ” then she’ll giggle and tell me, “Oh, yah? Well, I love you sixty-five, one hundred and fifty thousand hundred, ninety-nine!! And past the whole world and the universe!” How can I beat that? One time we were playing that ‘I love you more than you love me’ game and she stifled me. She started saying, “Oh, yah? Well, I love you more than you love Lexi ... or Haley ... or Nick ... ” (those are the names of her siblings) I remember choking back the reality that she stumped me ... she was only four at the time. All of my children say and do the sweetest things sometimes—they really know how to melt me down. It’s so fun to come up with new and innovative ways of saying, “I love you” to them. Children are so good at it. As a parent, we have these learned, responsible, sometimes even less understandable, ways of saying that. To kids, it just comes so natural to wear their hearts on their sleeves. I am so eternally thankful for the privilege of having this in my life. I am so thankful that my children love others, also. Sure, they quarrel with me and with each other, but overall, they have a genuine love for people.
I am so thankful that God has given all of this to me, which, I believe He intends for everyone to have. The funny thing is, it has been here all along for everyone and it would be so wonderful if people could just accept it and 'feel' it and live it. I always ‘thought’ I was happy and that I was a ‘good mom’ until I woke up one day in rehab and realized I was actually really ‘feeling’ things and that is when God revealed himself to me. It was truly the most incredible feeling I have ever felt ... like a bolt of reality just hitting me on the head and entering my heart and healing my soul. I am so thankful ...
I am so thankful for my realm of friends. Most of them are new acquaintances, which have rapidly grown into awesome friendships. I am so thankful that I have turned my life around and regained the love for myself that I had misplaced for so long. I am so grateful for the ability to forgive myself and others. I am so thankful that God has given all of this to me.
