Last evening I received another letter from her. Her letters always leave me intrigued, a little unsettled and quite pensive. She has written thousands, I think, or maybe she has just expressed so much, that they seem too many…She has this unique way of saying everything with the words left unwritten, in the midst of all those inane things that she writes to me. And for a strange reason, I manage to read it all. What’s said, and what she takes the pain to hide. That’s what its like between me and her. The entire bond between us is that of, what’s left unsaid, that which doesn’t exist, that which is not acknowledged. Yet our souls share a bond too strong for either of us to shun. It was a similar message that I received from her a couple of years back. No, let me be candid, where is the ambiguity….a little over 2 years ago, towards the end of March, a pleasant afternoon….She was coming, she said, crossing oceans, defying all reason, coming to meet me.
I was stunned, not so much by the possibility of it, but more by the surreal tomorrow it was meant to be. I had firmly relegated our union to the realms of fantasy, and she was insisting on turning it into a reality. She sounded so sure of herself…I am coming tomorrow morning…there were no doubts in her voice. A plain, matter of fact message. I wasn’t sure, whether to express excitement or misgiving. She did this to me, all these years. Left me confused, unsure and tongue tied each time. My supreme confidence in myself, which has propelled me through a life of fair success, this confidence always seems to desert me, when she walks into my life, super assured, demanding, pleading silently, and yet managing to be the magnanimous one. I never feel more Man, than I do, in the shadow of the mammoth turmoil, she seems to contain, in those deep, smoldering eyes, the words convincing me of her complete composure, while her eyes mist over with hidden frustrations. But we shall not go all the way…I said to her shakily… She refused to give me a direct response. But she sounded offended as she said, “We will have a coffee together, talk or stay silent or whatever….OK? Don’t orchestrate anything please!”
It silenced me…She had always been like this. 19 years back, when I had met her first, she had been a naïve young girl, barely out of her teens. Her innocence was endearing but her confidence absolutely amazing. I had worked at avoiding her, but there was no resistance to be built against the sweet rapture she filled into my soul, when her eyes settled on me with utmost devotion. She was a child, in the guileless, unconditional devotion she expressed to me. But the sheer purity of her devotion, made her so big, that each encounter with her, left me feeling a little dwarfed. My Maya, I once called her. A Fantasy. A fantasy that refused to stay one, no matter how hard I tried.
She is coming tomorrow, she said. Its too hard to believe, I have put the thought out of my mind, as I go about my daily routines, the boss , the plethora of instructions, the wife and her demands….the mundane…I let that take over. I had to. She doesn’t realize, how she upsets the rhythm of my life, each time her soul connects to mine. It takes me a long to re-establish my frequency…..I was fighting myself, I knew. But I wanted to believe, even now, that I could keep it a fantasy. That she will not find the courage to change that. But a part of me knew always, that I was being foolish. There was no doubt, that she had the courage to change my fantasy into reality. She had enough courage for the both of us. And come she did. My phone rang. Her slightly sleepy voice…I love her voice, a very distinctive ring to it, I never miss to recognize her…Hi!...she always starts the conversation like that. The sigh, which is hidden behind the “hi”, always clutches at my heart, thawing away its frigidity in moments….Aren’t you coming? She asked.
