Okay, it is time for some brutal honesty. Ready? I had a battle the other night, the likes of which I haven’t had in awhile. Ever have one of those? I just SO wanted to give into baser instincts and desires and indulge in my poor attitude, critical mind set and escape it all in ways I have long since given up! Ever been there?
I have been what I would call converted for over 15 years now. There are many habits in my life and many ways of thinking and doing things that I have long since abandoned, but will from time to time be recalled as I experience stress and pressure and disappointments and frustrations. Do you know what I mean?
It isn’t ever anything BIG. I can handle the big stuff. The hard, hard trials and tribulations are not the most difficult. You know instantly that extra prayer is needed. I instinctively increase my prayer time and fall on my knees prostrate before the throne seeking help in my time of need. It is the little day to day irritations that suddenly build up on you in a moment.
The other night I was feeling SO critical! There were things that needed done and were not being done. I find it so annoying. LET’S JUST DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO! That is what I wanted to scream…at everyone! I get this self pious, self righteous attitude that I find so ugly within myself but can’t seem to stop. I suddenly find everything about everyone in my home highly annoying and repugnant! What is THAT anyway? It is so horrible, so awful! It is a battle. It is a battle against the sinful nature and the enemy trying to capitalize on it. And because there is no dire circumstance, no life or death situation, no HUGE tribulation, only annoying habits and traits and irritations, I don’t fight it in the way that I should.
What shocks the living day lights out of me is the sudden urges I will get to indulge in behaviors that I thought long past dead. I have put on the new self, right? I am a new creation. The old has passed, the new is here. I have put to death the deeds of the flesh. I have put on the righteousness of Christ! Why, then, do I still desire things that I shouldn’t desire? Didn’t giving Christ Lordship over my life change me and make me NOT want these things any more? Hmmmm…I am finding that maybe that isn’t so.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Christ is sufficient. There is no temptation that is uncommon to man, but God will provide a way out. I know this. I should stop myself and ask God, “What should I be doing now?” when I am faced with temptation. He will supply a way out for me! I should listen, take heed, and be obedient to His suggestion. I just don’t always ask as I should, especially when it comes to these daily frustrations.
I want to indulge in my self righteous indignation and yell and scream and tell all these men in my life who seem more concerned with playing and fun than order and discipline and a clean house just what I think about being the maid for everyone all the time! That is such wrong thinking. I am BLESSED to be the maid for everyone. Was not my Savior the servant of all when He bled and died on that cross? Was He not the Creator of the Universe, yet He didn’t consider equality with God something to be grasped, but lowered himself to take on human form and to die a shameful death, even death on the cross? Who am I to feel so put out because I am cleaning and working and they are playing? Why should I feel put out because they don’t care about the things that I care about. I need to serve, sacrifice, and suffer. I need to look up. I need to look into the face of Jesus. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full into His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace! Yes. That is it!
If only I would do it sooner. I often don’t. I turn to food I know I shouldn’t eat. I fight urges to scream and yell and call people ugly names. I fight, strongly, not to flee and hide from it all, running from the house and indulging in fleshly pleasures like entertainment and food and laziness. I fight old urges to use alcohol to numb the frustrations. Thankfully, I don’t keep any in the house! Thankfully, Christ in me is stronger than the old self that I died to. Maybe that is it. It isn’t that these desires are no longer there. It is that, now, through the blood of Christ, I actually have the power available to me to choose righteousness, whereas before I was a slave to sin. Now, I am a slave to righteousness. I just didn’t expect it to NOT feel GOOD! When you think about being a slave to righteousness, it seems like it should be an easy thing. I mean I am a new creation, right? But the word slave implies difficulty, does it not? It does not say that I become a robot programmed for righteousness. Wouldn’t that be a whole lot easier? To just automatically always do what is right? Always think pure and righteous thoughts? Oh, what blessed peace! No more struggling against the flesh! No more battles that weary me. No more thoughts that tire me. No more moments of realizing what a wretch I STILL AM!
Maybe it is good that I realize I am still wretched, a sinner before God always. It keeps me humble. The battles keep me realizing my need of Christ who tells me He is sufficient for all of my needs. It reminds me that God has promised that when I am weak then I am strong for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Maybe every time I have these urges to drink, to flee, to curse and scream and escape and every time I DON’T…THAT is the victory. It doesn’t feel like a victory, because I am reminded of my old self. I am reminded of my wretchedness. It is painful. It is humbling. It is…
It is an eye opener.
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