I feel silly even thinking about this which is why I will do so anonymously online instead of with a friend, who would probably just roll her eyes at me. In 1998 I began a relationship that quickly became serious. We dated long distance for two years and then moved in together. Less than a year later we broke up as a result of my infidelity—the biggest of many problems in our relationship. We did not communicate for many years, though when we parted ways he told me he believed one day we would be friends again. For the next eight years I was unhappily single, casually dating, not sure that I would ever find love again, or that I even deserved it. I heard he married and I felt like he was the one that got away. Frequently I would dream of us talking—always just talking—catching up with each other. And every time I had this dream I would think about him and just wonder how he was doing and if he ever thought about me too.
In 2008 I started dating the man who would become my husband. Within months we had moved in together. A year later I received an email from the ex. It detailed how he had often wondered about me and hoped I was well. Oh and that he was going through a divorce. And most importantly he wanted me to know that he forgives me for my very poor choices a decade before. Here I thought—finally! Some closure! Now that I know how he feels, I can stop having these dreams. I never told the new man about this communication, nor had I ever told him about our relationship or the nature of the breakup. But the emails continued and the dreams changed. They became more of a let’s get back together theme. I told him about the dreams—he told me not to read too much into them and that he had no intention of getting back together even though the thought had crossed his mind before. I told him I was getting married, two weeks before the wedding. I didn’t hear from him for six months.
Which brings me to the present. I am pregnant. I heard from the ex again who congratulates me on marriage and I tell him I am pregnant too. He says I will make a great mother. Tells me he is dating around but nothing serious. The dreams are back now. Only last night, I had my husband with me and we were trying to meet up with the ex to talk. I have always thought if they met they might really like each other. Probably. I like dreaming about this person who once was so important to me and maybe it is harmless. But it is also troubling because for at least an entire day after the dreams, my mind will be constantly drifting back to the events of my subconscious. Is it just harmless dreaming and daydreaming, is it subversive? Does it serve a purpose? What is the message, or messages, I am supposed to be getting? Is the ex just a messenger trying to tell me something about myself or my current relationship? Should I cease all real life communication with him?
