February is upon us (where does all the time go?), and it’s a month of diverse celebrations honoring everything from groundhogs to presidents, Cupid to African American history, and, finally, football. The most famous celebration of the month, Valentine’s Day, is a manufactured holiday that exploits our love lives to the tune of millions in corporate profits. Romance can get tricky with distractions like shadow-averse marmots, Super Bowl commercials, old white men, and flying babies with sharp objects.
Aquarius
It’s your birthday this month, Aquarius, but don’t let the competition with Presidents’ Day take the wind out of your sails. Be creative and find ways to combine the two holidays into one fun-filled event that honors both you and our forefathers. For example, on your birthday, repeatedly insist, “I am not a crook.” Throw a dinner party with a wooden-teeth theme. Or surprise your partner by wearing a merkin shaped like Abraham Lincoln’s beard.
Pisces
Cupid is one cute little bugger, with his chubby cheeks and his sweet little baby’s bottom. He’s also known for wielding a sharp bow and arrow that he’s not afraid to use. This month, you might be the victim of a one-two sucker punch that leaves you with stars in your eyes. Be careful not to go too ga-ga. Saint Valentine was the patron saint of beekeeping, so don’t fall too fast, romantic Pisces—you wouldn’t want to get stung.
Aries
Life is like a box of chocolates, and this month you’re getting all the crappy, stale, nougat-filled ones that nobody wants. Before you start impulsively biting your way through the Whitman’s Sampler of life, spend a moment reflecting on what you want for this year. Take a deep breath and focus on your goals, instead of going blindly through the motions. We’re only in month two of 2010, so you don’t want to end your year with a box of half-eaten cherry cordials.
Taurus
Punxsutawney Phil is toying with your emotions this month, causing you to jump at every shadow you see, including your own. Your newfound neuroses will freak out your friends and coworkers and could potentially send that special someone running for the hills. It also might ruin your winter whites if you get too jumpy during your morning coffee break. Chill out and enjoy the winter by heading to the hills for a long weekend of skiing, hot cocoa, and repeated viewings of Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day.
Gemini
This February, your famous dual personalities are going head-to-head in a battle of frump versus fetching. Your sweatpants-loving self is being threatened by an inner sex kitten that’s dying to sharpen its claws. Put some bawdiness into your boudoir by heading down to Frederick’s of Hollywood for some va-va-voom. And while you’re at it, do all of us a favor—ask the sales clerk why their high heels have pom-poms on them.
Cancer
Roses are red, violets are blue, don’t be too crabby this month or no one will like you. Your typical moodiness is in full effect right now, but if you let it go too far, you’ll be the one kid in class with no My Little Pony Valentines to open. Focus on the positive things this month, like the fact that February is only twenty-eight days long. March is going to put you in a much better mood, especially when you start doing your taxes and see what a huge return you’re going to get.
Leo
The lion is out of its cage and ready to roar this Valentine’s Day. Your animal magnetism is stronger than ever, and the pride is competing to groom your mane this month. You’re notoriously arrogant, though, so don’t let all this sudden attention go to your head. Check your ego—the Queen of the Jungle must rule with humility.
Virgo
Hallmark’s sales are through the roof this month, and your temperature will be, too. Unfortunately, your attractive new neighbor is not what’s causing the heat to rise—it’s the candlelight dinner you prepared for yourself that’s gonna burn your house down. Cooking five-star meals is not your forte, so do your landlord a favor and order some takeout. Start a new Valentine’s Day tradition by having Szechuan beef on February 14. Chopsticks will begin to replace candy hearts as your go-to Valentine’s Day accessory before you know it.
