Walking around Paris, you will spot your fair share of dabies. But they got nothin’ on Colorado. I’m telling ya, this sleepy little mountain town of mine is a dabie-fest.
They’re everywhere. I’m not sure, but I think they may even be more numerous than people. That’s right. Dabie-to-people ratio in my estimation: three to one. I feel like they may take over the town at any moment and start making me eat Eukanuba with lukewarm water poured on it while I watch them eat bacon. I literally just saw a woman with two dogs wrapped up in one of those African sheets so they would be all snuggled against her like infants.
“What in the shell is a dabie?” you’re wondering. Do not fret, my pets, I’m here to tell you.
A dabie is a dog that serves as a pseudo baby. They are coddled, swaddled, and loved as anyone would treat their very own offspring. Except, they have a tail and drool all over you. (Love is blind.)
“How can I tell what is a dabie vs. your typical spoiled domestic pet?” you ask? Well, here are a few key identifiers. (Warning: links and photos may induce projectile vomiting. Consult your physician and/or psychiatrist before viewing or don’t come cryin’ to me when you’re covered in lung butter.)
1) They are crippled.
Dabies cannot walk. It is a well-known fact. Their owners are required to carry them everywhere, or find some other type of transportation, i.e.: Canine Bjorn, Pupoose, or Dog Stroller . Sure, it’s an investment, but better than listening to the sound of your dragging dabie behind you on every walk. That shit can get annoying.
2) Swaddlage
Dabies are too often tiny, cold-blooded creatures. They require swaddling cloth and must be nestled safely against the warm bosom of their owner. Dabies would rather perish, suffocating between breasts, than be cold. About.com concurs.
3) Style Gurus
Dabies are notorious for accessorizing. Be it bedazzled collars or little yellow slickers, dabies know how to work the catwalk, even if they cannot actually walk (see point 1). It’s almost funny how often dabies can be spotted wearing some article of clothing with the word “spoiled” actually ON it. As if you really needed a more flagrant indicator than things like this. You should try to dress in matching clothes with your dabie. People will not at all think you are a weirdo-obsessed-Tom-Cruise-kind-of-crazy fuckwit. Promise.
PS ... if I had the good fortune of owning a pup, I’d totally dress it in this shit.
4) Persnickety Predisposition
Do you like steak? So do dabies. Save your table scraps for the rats. Two words. Rib. Eye. Example: This freakin’ mutt.
5) Supercilious Blank Stare
To dabies, you are only a hand that feeds them. PS: They will bite you if you do not feed them. PPS: They will most likely bite you, even if you do feed them. That’s just how they roll.
6) Language of Love
Dabies do not speak English. Actually, they don’t speak any widely known language. If you’re going to own one, you must adapt. They speak “Dabius,” a dialect of baby talk that only has three vowels and a handful of consonants. “Eez eee ungree?!?! [Name of Dabie] Wa treeah!?!” is the most commonly used phrase. (Second most common: “go peepeepoopoo likah gooh [Name of Dabie] geh treeah!!!!!”)
7) Headliners
To say dabies enjoy the spotlight is to say that Michael Jackson was a tad eccentric. Brass Tacks = they need a Web site. Dogbook is not going to cut it. They need publicity dammit. THE WORLD must know how Cute/Adorable/Lovable/Smart/Hilarious/Talented/Proud/Amazing they are. Get on it. Stat.
Be alert people. I fear they may be spreading in Paris …
