There was a time when traveling on an airplane was the height of sophistication …
Today, not so much. Air travel is merely another form of transit. It is usually the fastest way to get from point A to point B and in some cases, the only reasonable way to actually reach point B.
But it sucks. It sucks rotten eggs. It’s stressful, tedious, and uncertain. But we know all this, therefore most of us have learned to approach air travel the same way we would approach battle: we prepare.
We wear slip-on shoes and yoga pants and take off our watches at security. Our 3-ounce liquids are in baggies and there is a palpable sense of relief once the TSA pat-downs are complete and the departure gate is reached … But then, that tight little army of brotherhood and unity that we formed in the security line? It has been replaced by behavior so obnoxious that basically, by the time we land at our destination, I want to slap the taste right out the mouths of at least five of you.
In the interest of my (and your) sanity, I propose we create the Airplane Etiquette Manifesto. Future generations will sing our praises because together, we brought not only sexy, but also, civility back.
Step 1
Don’t bum-rush the boarding process. You will get on. You have an assigned seat. It will be there. No need to crowd the walkway or try to slip in before your row is called. The plane is boarded from the rear to the front and this is to prevent gridlock while folks are storing their carry-ons. You can wait the seven minutes. By the way, early boarders, if you are in seat 37B, do not take the overhead compartment of 9A. Trust me, you will gain nothing but the knowledge that you have mightily inconvenienced a fellow passenger.
Step 2
While the whole “charging for checked luggage” fee is the stuff angina is made of, it’s here to stay. However, not wanting to pay doesn’t mean that you should travel with a tuba case and a diaper bag and expect to get away with it. $25 isn’t going to break you, so if you honestly cannot get your holiday togs in a 45” rolling suitcase, then just go ahead, suck it up, and fork over the money. If I see one more person trying to shove a human-sized duffel bag into an overhead, I am going to be forced to kick them in the shins when we land. But I’ll smile as I do it.
