I’ve been trying to learn French. It’s a painful process for me. It takes me back to high school when I struggled to pay attention to my Spanish teacher. Every painstaking minute of listening to her speak Spanish with a southern accent was like torture to me. I did okay in the class, but I really don’t know how. Seriously, I can only remember the word for shoes (zapatos) and the noise that a rooster makes (Qui-quiri-quí!). I have not needed to call upon this knowledge yet, but when the time comes—a rooster runs off with my shoes when I’m vacationing in Spain?—I’ll be ready.
I dutifully take my weekly French course in the hopes that I will make myself understood amongst the natives. To shortcut the process, and to try to alleviate some of the pain, I have been using an electronic language program. It’s really like a game. They use pictures and a “patented immersion technique” that teaches you the language without verb conversion charts and nasty lists of vocab. Can you tell that I have bought into their marketing spiel? I’m a believer.
Basically, the computer “says” a word and you click on the picture. By hearing it and then matching the phrase or word to the picture, you are supposed to remember it better. It’s a left/right brain thing, I think. All I know is that I like it.
The only bizarre thing is that they use pictures of a horse (le cheval) about ten thousand times to illustrate verbs and small phrases. Brad and I have been laughing about that stupid horse because I’m sure the creators had some bet on how many times they could include the horse in the software package. Basically, we can do or say anything that a horse can. You say you need to know the verb for write? Sorry a horse can’t write so we don’t know that verb. So far, the horse has run, jumped, and eaten a carrot. In my daily interactions with the natives, I try to forget that I need to know how to ask for another size shirt, and I simply keep to safe, horse-like activities.
It did prove helpful the other day as I was standing in line for a late lunch. To preface this anecdote, I want to make it clear that this was a reputable establishment and the food is very good. But, they had steaks cheval advertised as one of their specials. Horse steaks hot off the grill. Disturbing at best. Even more disturbing was that when I walked past a few weeks later, I noticed that horse was on the menu again. This time in small letters written under steaks cheval, it said “USA.” Apparently, these horse steaks had been imported from the good ole US of A. Does this mean that there is some rancher out west sending his faithful steeds abroad for daily consumption? Poor cheval.
My French teacher claims that horse steaks are tasty. She just shrugged when I asked her about it—I think it’s a “when in Rome” kind of situation. I don’t think horses go to Rome so I won’t be eating any …
American products have infiltrated the grocery shops of Switzerland, but you won’t find the trusted brands that we know and love. You have to go the “American Store” for that, my friend. They do have peanut butter (Tycho, my dog, and I share a love for the stuff), but it’s called “Barney’s Best Peanut Butter.” It says it’s a “Product of the USA,” but I’m skeptical. I mean, who is this Barney character?
Microwave popcorn and hamburger buns are also easy to get your hands on, but they all have an American flag on the front. It’s totally embarrassing. It’s like they are advertising that it’s from America—totally processed food coming your way! It’s not like they put Italian flags on the olive oil … but if they do, it’s tasteful. These American flags are big and bold. I’m talking gaudy stars and stripes waving off the packages, like in those cheesy television montages of Forth of July fireworks celebrations. You know the ones—where “The Star Spangled Banner” is playing and they zoom in on a shot of the flag waving proudly. Well, you can find some seriously proud hamburger buns here.
This brings me to the American shop. I’m actually a little embarrassed to go in there because I am American. Crazy, I know (maybe I should eat more hamburger buns). But they sell all of these things that they think Americans eat daily like Pop Tarts and Kool Aid. And … to top it off, there is a cartoon character of this bratty looking kid with buckteeth and freckles (probably in overalls and a baseball cap) giving a thumbs-up, plastered on the door. It’s part of the signage and really sets the tone.
The store is useful for buying baking supplies such as chocolate bits but let me ask you, isn’t it ironic that I miss chocolate bits for chocolate chip cookies when I live in Switzerland—home of some of the finest chocolate in the world? Damn Tollhouse!
It’s funny, after family and friends; food is what I really miss. And …that’s common among all of my foreign friends. Eyes glaze over and dreamy voices are employed when recounting the delectables that are waiting at home. Every country has their special foods—more often than not, they are comfort foods. Those foods are coveted and requested when family come to visit. The foodstuffs are as anxiously awaited as the visitors themselves. I often find myself whinnying and chomping at the bit (cheval that I have become) as I wait for my visitors’ bags in the airport. I’m happy to see my family too of course, but I am anxious for a little taste of home …
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