Many changes have taken place since the “one child per family” policy! But the strong desire for that male child is still alive and well. My student, Sunny, told me that when she was born her father’s mother tried on four different occasions to get rid of her! And that grandmother treated her badly all of her life. But when she was in high school she made a decision. She decided to treat her grandmother well, in spite of the grandma’s bad treatment of her! The grandmother treated her grandson best of all. But when the grandson grew up, he treated the grandma very badly. Now, the grandma has apologized to Sunny and treats her very well and very differently from the past years when Sunny was growing up. And believe me, the female children are expected to take care of their parents just as much as the male children!
One thing it would seem hasn’t changed. There seems to be little love in Chinese marriages and even if you can find love, you find no affection. Couples in their thirties tell me they don’t hug or kiss! My husband and I have been married more than twenty years and he still holds my hand wherever we go and we hug and kiss often. All the Chinese women tell me they envy our relationship. One time I was having dinner with some teachers and we were discussing this situation of no affection between Chinese spouses and the men didn’t have their wives with them at the dinner. I suggested that when they went home they should surprise their wives with hugs and kisses. One man told me his wife was out of town on business but he would call her and discuss it with her and if she agreed, he would give it a try when she came home! Students often visit us in our home and they love it when my husband gives me hugs and kisses. They tell us they have NEVER seen their parents or any family members do this!
One day in my college English class I was having the students practice greetings. I said “Good morning” to a student and asked her “How are you today?” She said, “Good morning, Sandi. I’m not good today.” So, I said, “Oh, I think you need a hug!” And I walked over and gave her a big hug! Well! She was so shocked she didn’t know what to do. She just stood there, stiff as a board. There was a loud GASP from the rest of the class and then loud applause! Then, a few rows back as each student was practicing the greeting with me, another girl said she wasn’t doing well today, so she got a hug, too, and then more and more ... As days passed more and more of the girls wanted hugs until finally a boy said he wanted a hug, too! I became the “official hugger giver” of the college. They all told me that small children are shown affection in China but not older children.
That “filial duty” is a strong part of Chinese culture. Paul, a friend from Korea, has even told us it extends to all Asia. The eldest son must offer sacrifices for the dead ancestors. It is also the duty of the eldest son to arrange a big party for the parents’ sixtieth or sixty-fifth birthday. At this time, if the parents are in good health they should be given a trip abroad as a gift. Adult children here seemed to be stressed to the max with worry about how to support their parents in their old age. Especially, those with no siblings! The adult couple must support two sets of parents. There is little or no help from the government.
Moral standards in China seem nonexistent to a Christian person brought up in America to respect the rights of others, and that honesty is a virtue, and that humanitarianism is a noble trait. In Chinese culture, harmony is much more important than honesty. Chinese people want to please in order to keep harmony, therefore, they will tell you anything they think you want to hear! If you invite them to dinner, they will accept your invitation because they know that’s what you want to hear. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they will come to dinner! As for having a “trusting relationship”? Better wait until you go home to America!
