Thirteen Cold-Weather Items to Avoid on Etsy

Regardless of the season, it’s likely that most people don’t want the appearance of fuzzy brown leeches crawling up their necks toward their ears, eager to burrow into their brains and fill them with even more bad fashion sense.

There’s a lot going on here, so let me walk you through it: the smiley-face-looking part is the pig’s snout, the crumbled foil on top is his magical horn, and the bloodshot eye in the middle is his third eye, which “guides him through life,” according to the description. Yes, he’s placed on top of a stuffed penguin. Why wouldn’t he be?

This jacket brings an overload of class to the casual, laid-back world of denim jackets. The front says, “Hey, I’m just running errands at Target on a Saturday afternoon,” but the back says, “I’d rather be reading my bad poetry to you.”

I can only imagine that the purpose of these slippers is to indulge in a camel role-playing fetish in the privacy of your own home. And with that, I will close the window to this Etsy page and desperately try to get that image out of my head.

I do feel guilty about trashing some of these designs, because they’re probably made by hardworking people trying to do what they love. But these things, which come priced at $63 and are already covered in pilling and sloppy silk? That’s just shameful.

Do you feel that way, too? Then feast your eyes on “Loveralls,” which are overalls repurposed as hippie parachute pants. The ones pictured above are size small, but they’ll give you the legs of someone at least five times your size. Fun!

I can’t take my eyes off of the particularly unfortunate “butterfly” patch right below the zipper. Am I the only one who thinks that looks a little, um, obscene?

Shoulder pads are so outdated, but sometimes you still want to bulk up your puny frame. Thank goodness for rainbow puff balls! They also come in Christmas colors, which should make many Grandmas out there very excited.

Scratching your head over what to get the monster-hunters and UFO-chasers in your life? The creator of this creepy, yet “industrially surged” (huh?) sweatshirt assures you that it’s the perfect way to keep them warm during their paranormal pursuits.

For when you want the space between your knees and feet to scream “wannabe seventies pimp,” Leg Muffs have you covered—literally! The gold chains on the front of each muff will glisten beautifully in the sun as you run down the street, trying to escape the sound of everyone else laughing at your awful life choices.

Why ties? The designer thought you’d ask that. “No need to take off your shoes to remove the extra layer once you’re inside!” the description explains. But wouldn’t it take even longer to tie ten strings together from behind your calves? Just how complicated are these shoes?

Similar to the aforementioned fleece leg casts, you have to tie these … what are these? The designer calls them fingerless mittens, but they look more like arm warmers, though all those holes wouldn’t keep anyone warm. Anyway, you have to tie them together with satin ribbons, which means you better have a friend willing to help you put on these tree-branch travesties.

No need to buy those ridiculously oversize foam fingers or spend time and energy making a poster to show your favorite team you care. With these gloves, you can simply raise your hands, wiggle your fingers, and announce to the world that you’re five years old at heart.