Supremely confident in his metrosexual ways, my straight friend Trent once declared to a room full of women that he could read their shoes like a psychic reads tarot cards, predicting everything from their career to their choice of underwear, or lack thereof. You see, according to him, foot fashions bear distinguishing characteristics that reveal something—no, everything—about the woman wearing them. Needless to say, this alarming bit of info was enough to send a few worn-in mules running toward the nearest exit.
Behold more “nuggets of wisdom” from Trent’s highly evolved male brain. When it comes to heels, size matters. For example, if you wear four-inch skyscraper stilettos, you are considered four times as attractive because you are four times less likely to be able to make a run for it. Inevitably, you would have to walk away slooowly from a man’s advances, whereas a woman wearing Birkenstocks or tennis shoes can easily sprint for the nearest exit. This truth is assumed to be self-evident.
Brand-spanking new shoes (in mass quantities) actually win big points with men, unless you’re married and living on a shared income. You see, new purchases are a form of babying yourself (“Gucci-Gucci-goo”) and if you’re pampering yourself south of the ankles you must like to pleasure yourself in other ways. Crackpot theory? You be the judge.
Conversely, if you’ve worn the same ratty shoes for the last six years, you are the sort of rebel spirit who does what she wants when she wants, and this includes wearing dingy cotton granny panties on a regular basis. Not so good from the horny male perspective.
Now, onto toes. If yours are pristinely pedicured with little rhinestones on top, you are most likely conscientious about grooming. In other words, you keep your legs clean shaven at all times. Men assume other regions will follow suit.
Sigh. Is this really all they think about?
Regardless of how uncomfortable these points are, there’s no denying it: soles are revealing of the soul.
As seen on Shoetube.tv
