WTF? Fourteen Odd Products You Can Buy from SkyMall

Nothing says “peaceful garden stroll” like encountering a zombie climbing out of the soil to eat your brains. The price of scaring visitors from ever returning? A mere $89.95.

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Are you so busy that you can’t be bothered to sit at a table and eat like a human? Are all of your shirts stained because you dine in your car, free from the judgmental eyes of coworkers and family? Then this Drib’s for you!

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I always lose my keys around the house, but if I found them in a pair of chalky hands coming out of the wall like some creepy ghost about to drop the keys and strangle me, I’d surely remember to keep them in my pocket at all times.

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This sucker’s battery-powered, which means the days of hauling yourself off the couch to play with a whiny cat are over. Turn it on and watch Fluffy spaz out while you catch up on 24.

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Look at that raised eyebrow and saucy grin—this gargoyle’s thinking about something naughty. But he’ll never reveal what’s on his mind (because he’s not real), just as his owner will never tell you he paid $139 to own a foot-and-a-half-tall gargoyle (because that’s shameful).

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This one’s pretty useful, especially if you tend to gesture wildly after a glass or two of wine. It also frees up both hands for snacking on chips or bread, though the crumbs will undoubtedly end up floating in your glass.

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I don’t see anything wrong with putting yourself in traction without the guidance of trained professionals. Skip those middleman doctors and do it yourself, the SkyMall way!

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You know art’s classy when there’s a naked lady involved. And if she’s emerging from the wall “clear-eyed and oh-so-ready,” as the product description insists, even better. Oh-so-ready for what? You don’t want to know.

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The Powerlung is proven to make breathing more efficient and effective, according to “clinical independent studies” (none of which is detailed). The safety of using this product is questionable, but what’s important is that it comes in blue, green, and neon yellow.

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I have only $99.95 to spend, and I can’t decide between feeling constant vibrations against my back while folding laundry or enhancing my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. SkyMall to the rescue!

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For the person who’s already ordered the freaky zombie and that sassy-looking Socrates gargoyle, here’s another oddity to blow $98.95 on and complete the garden trio with.

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Sleep apnea is a serious condition that should be treated with professional help. SkyMall is not the place to buy medical equipment from. (Well, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d have to write.) Does it worry anyone else that SkyMall seems to have a vested interest in how well we’re breathing?

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This must be the least comfortable way to nap imaginable. It looks like she’s been using the Wine Glass Holder Necklace one too many times, if you catch my drift.

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Some might balk at the idea of spending $59.95 to find out a dog’s genetic profile, but those people are missing out on a fancy certificate to hang on the wall. Move aside, college diploma!

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