I really can't think of a better title. “Stuck” is just appropriate for the way that I’ve been feeling for the past 2-3 months. Please excuse me if I ramble, but I have no one else to talk to so...
I don't remember ever wanting to do anything else except work in the fashion industry. I graduated from high school in the early 80's and immediately started at Fashion Institute of Technology. I had a very serious boyfriend at the time. I got pregnant, got engaged and left school for a year or so. Of course, the relationship ended but I was fortunate to have my mother and grandmother who supported me in every way and I was able to go back to school part-time.
In the midst of all of this, I started working in a store on Madison Avenue and I was on my way. I had a few set backs here and there, but I was OK. Years go by—I'm working in the garment district as a Merchandising/Production Assistant. I'm very unhappy so I decide that I want to be a Stylist. I was in the right place at the right time and a good friend asked me if I want to assistant him on a video shoot for an up and coming group. Of course, I immediately say yes!
The day of the shoot, he had to travel and I ended up doing the video without him. I hired the guy that I'm dating at the time to assist me. Well, long story short, I made it work and my career took off from there. My plan was to get some celebrity clients and really make a name for myself.
It was definitely a struggle because no one knew who I was. Even when I asked for help, I was offered very little assistance or guidance—which was fine. I just figured it out as I went along. I continued working with the group and they gained world wide success. They brought me along for the ride.
I ended up becoming one of the band members Personal Assistant, which wasn't necessarily the career path that I wanted to take. At the time, my mentor suggested that it may be a good thing to try because this guy’s career was going to be huge. I stayed with him for nearly five amazing! So, in between then and now, I've worked with quite a few celebs as a stylist and assistant.
In 2007, I find myself so disillusioned with that world. I have been working temp jobs because I have no clue what so ever what I want to do or what I should do. Most of all I don’t know where I fit in. I feel that I lost sight of my true passion—fashion—because I got caught up in the world of entertainment.
Yes, as a stylist, I was still involved with fashion but not in the way that I wanted to in the beginning. I know that dreams change, lives change and people change, but I need to find a way to get out of this total and complete rut. I've been thinking about a career counselor, a life counselor, something, anything.
At home, I cry when I sew. I cry when I cook. I feel like such a failure, I feel like I will never find a job, that I will never be happy with my career choices. I am now in my 40's and feel like I should have accomplished so much more and I should be stable with a steady paycheck, benefits, 401k. At this point, it's starting to affect my relationship with my boyfriend. He supports me 100% in whatever I want to do, but I feel so ashamed that he's taking care of everything on his own.
I just feel like such a failure...
