Lame Apps: Fourteen Ways to Dumb Down Your Smartphone

Open it. Wiggle your fingers on the screen to hear the creepy giggles of a robotic toddler. Perhaps this app is meant to soothe a relentlessly ticking biological clock, for I can imagine no other use for this bit of software. (Free for iPhone and Android)

This geeky app turns the time of day into a mathematical puzzle. You know, in case you’d like to challenge yourself whenever you’re wondering how long until lunch. (99¢, iPhone)

For the crazy cat lady who lives inside all of us. Choose from a selection of adorable felines in various states of action or repose, then paste that fluffy fur factory all over any photo in your gallery. Complete with delightful meowing sounds. (99¢, iPhone)

For a vintage calculating experience, download the Abacus. Numbers are soooo twenty-first century. (99¢, iPhone; free for Android)

I love Star Wars as much as the next person old enough to remember seeing the original trilogy on the big screen. So I get it: who wouldn’t want a fully loaded lightsaber app on their smartphone? Anyone who never wants to have sex again, that’s who. (Free for iPhone and Android)

Just what every smartphone user has been waiting for: an app that will enable you to demolish your precious piece of electronic equipment. Toss your iPhone as high as possible up in the air, then catch it. The app registers the length of time it hung weightless in the air before reaching terminal velocity on its descent. Keep track of your longest hang times and hope your hand-eye coordination is up to snuff. (99¢, iPhone)

This app was originally available for iPhone for $999.99. Eight people actually bought it before Apple banned it from their app store on iTunes. The app does nothing except display the pretty digital ruby. It’s basically a digital equivalent of lighting money on fire. ($9.99, iPhone; free for Android)

There are several variations on this theme available at any app store. Any bleep-button app will enable you to achieve your goal of being the most obnoxious individual in any room. What are you waiting for? Go get downloading! (Free for iPhone and Android)

This app might prove useful for people who are working up to quitting their meth habit (or maybe just smoking), and want to inure themselves to the sensation of overwhelming temptation. If you do indeed press the red button, you will be ridiculed and criticized or aggressively challenged to do so again. Fun, right? (Free for iPhone and Android)

Think you can’t afford regular tanning treatments? Think again! The salon now lives in your phone for the bargain price of 99¢! Choose one-, three-, six-, or nine-minute tanning sessions, share before and after pictures with other users, and enjoy the friendly pop-up admonishment, “Do not look directly into the UV lights.” Word to the wise: an image of ultraviolet tanning lights does not an ultraviolet tanning bed make. (99¢, iPhone)

The crazy thing about dancing is that it’s generally a full-body undertaking. So, the smartphone-size app version of the popular arcade game, on which only your fingers do the dancing, seems a little, well …. Pointless is a harsh word, but it’s the first word that leaps to mind. (Free for iPhone and Android)

Both iPhone and Android offer several different versions of this and other skin-assisting applications for their respective smartphones. Acne Away uses red and blue screens on your phone to “cure” problem skin. Move the red screen in a counter-clockwise motion; and move the blue screen in a clockwise motion. And done! Good thing it’s free. (Free for iPhone)

Love squirrels? Sure you do! Now you can include your favorite rodent in every picture on your smartphone. (99¢, iPhone)

No collection of useless smartphone apps is complete without the official “Most Useless App Ever.” The Android version literally does nothing except state its function of being the most useless app ever. The iPhone version is slightly more involved, with an imaginary friend for you named Tom who will encourage you to close the app, put down your device, and get a life. (Free for iPhone and Android)