I’m at a friend’s wedding this weekend, traveling with my own husband and kids. The wedding invitation labeled the event as a “triumph of hope over experience.” It is that, and I’m honored to be invited as a witness. But it’s also a business arrangement, something I’m sure my friend (a respected economist) is well aware of. I haven’t pried into the monetary details of their union, but I’m sure they’ve talked about it.
There are myriad good approaches to the business of marriage. My friend J.D. often mentions that he and his wife Kris don’t share finances. By contrast, my husband and I have completely merged our money: Both of our names are on every bank account, asset, and debt we have. We share every penny, and every decision about what to do with those pennies.
Whether you choose to go all in like we did or hold onto your independence, you live with your spouse’s spending choices—for good or ill. If you have kids, they’ll inherit the fruits of your shared financial life. And while research suggests money isn’t as responsible for divorce as many experts believe, it can certainly sour goodwill in a relationship. Trust me on this one.
The really dangerous part is to pretend that marriage has nothing to do with money.
Of course, that’s exactly what nearly every aspect of our culture encourages us to do. I’ve never seen a romantic comedy about a happy couple who fall madly in love as their hands touch at the customer service counter and they realize they’re cashing in the exact same rebate coupon. Lovers in literature don’t stare deeply into one another’s eyes and murmur sweet nothings about their checkbook balances.
In fact, we’re taught to ignore the financial side of choosing a mate. Literature and popular culture are full of romantic tales of giving up the wealthy suitor for the poor beloved. Our language offers an array of derogatory terms like “gold digger” to define someone who cares about his or her sweetheart’s net worth.
But the bottom line is that we ignore the business side of marriage at our peril. The day my husband and I got married, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts legally merged our financial lives. Many states do this, assuming an equal sharing of assets and debts in a marriage.
