“Can you pay the nanny this week?”
My husband and I ask each other this question week after week. One of us would cough up an exorbitant $650 for the nanny and the other would breathe a temporary sigh of relief.
I went back to work full-time as a newspaper reporter when our son was three and a half months old. We had arranged to share a nanny and split the cost with another couple, but they changed their mind a couple of weeks after the nanny started. So our child-care costs suddenly, and unexpectedly, doubled—and our stress level did, too.
Raising a child inevitably brings new stresses and struggles into a marriage, and perhaps one of the biggest is the financial strain it puts on the couple. Bringing a baby into the world requires stepping up to a whole new level of financial responsibility and making sacrifices together for your family’s future. It also requires putting in some extra effort to make sure your marriage stays strong.
“Having children is one of life’s most enriching experiences in all ways except financially,” said Karin Maloney Stifler, an Ohio-based certified financial planner with True Wealth Advisors, LLC. “The tradeoff is so worth it, but you have to manage it so that it doesn’t de-rail the rest of your life.”
Or your marriage.
Ellen Marmon, a relationship specialist at Connections Counseling & Development Center in Atlanta, says having a baby is not only a major financial change, but also a huge emotional change. Marmon says it is critical for couples to communicate as they experience this life-changing event and share their frustrations with each other.
Talking about finances is key.
“Set your priorities first and then put the dollar values on them,” Marmon suggests.
For example, don’t freak out if your husband wants to take golf lessons because you think there won’t be any money left over to spend on baby-sitters so you can go out on your own. Instead, look at what you both want and see if there is a way to make it happen with compromise, Marmon advises.
“Maybe he doesn’t need golf lessons every week, maybe every other week would be fine,” Marmon said. “Maybe he can go to his golf lessons on Tuesday night and then baby-sit the kids on Thursday night so you can go out.”
Marmon says it’s essential for your emotional health to budget some money for baby-sitters or make an effort to find friends and family who can take care of your child so that you can have baby-free time.
“You need time as a couple and you need time just for yourself,” Marmon says. “A lot of women feel guilty about having any time away from their children, but it’s so important for them.”
In order to be ready for these new financial and emotional challenges of parenthood, experts say it’s crucial to start preparing early.
Ohio financial planner Stifler, who is the mother of three sons, helps families with financial planning, ranging from college savings to retirement. She says the best thing a couple can do is start looking at their finances before their child is born.
So, you just found out your pregnant, now what? Stifler recommends planning your post-baby budget as soon as possible, counting everything from formula and diaper expenses to child-care costs. Then, start living on that new budget while you are pregnant—putting away the extra money as savings.
“You have to anticipate how your life is going to change and start reprioritizing and redirecting those dollars before the baby comes,” Stifler said.
This is an especially important experiment for couples who are contemplating whether one of them should quit their job or reduce work hours to stay home with the baby. They should start living on that lower amount of income during the pregnancy, Stifler says.
