I have a fantastic wall space in my office set aside for my “why” or “visualization” board. It’s a perfect location that I will see multiple times a day, especially upon waking in the morning. I have Post It boards in hand so I can attach all my dreams and easily exchange them as I achieve, enhance or upgrade. But I can’t execute. I can’t take the action step to figure out what to cut out or type up or draw. My “why” is completely unknown to me.
Lately I feel like Julia Roberts in “The Runaway Bride”. She liked the type of egg that her fiancée liked. I like every business idea that people introduce me to. They all say they think of me and how I would do so well at it. OK, sure, I can do that. However, I am not comparing that opportunity to what I personally feel is my purpose in life nor to the skills I have that I think are my “best”. I’ve started 5 businesses in a year and haven’t done much with any of them. I love the dream the business can provide. I feel each has a purpose and a value. So, I launch it, do all the admin tasks, contracts, legalities, insurance, marketing material, etc. In most cases, I even do actual “work”… for awhile. But the public doesn’t respond as I thought they would and people aren’t beating down my door asking for my help. I get discouraged very, very quickly and give up. Time to move on to the next dream. And there I am again, so excited about it’s possibility.
At one point I convinced myself I just needed a foundation to launch them all from. So I built a business to do that task. A safe place that’s all mine where people can come for all the answers and I’ll have the perfect resources for them. All the answers right there. However, the content for the pages are not flowing out of me as they had when I was dreaming and building it in the early stages. How can I help others with their goals and dreams when my own eludes me? Am I scared or is there a message coming in saying, nope, not a good fit for you, keep looking.
One of the road bumps may be that my life is like juggling flaming batons. I’m not sure what I am unintentionally throwing out to the universe to get what I am receiving, but I will certainly fix it as soon as it’s discovered. And I’m sure if I take action in the right direction, all the dreams will fall into a common platform and meld together or the “right” choice will make itself known. Maybe I need to do things like writing this article to water down the flames a bit as they circle round.
Another road bump is managing all the #1 priorities for each role I’m play in today’s scene. Above all else comes my children. I am reacquainting myself with my young children, as I am now free of the corporate job that kept me away from them frequently these last two years. I want to cherish the time we have together and make sure we have quality time as a family during these formative years. However, I’m finding that I’m trying to make up for lost time, thus giving them all time and completely losing myself and my closeness with my husband.
The me part of me – the “self” I am as a person, feels lost or squashed down into a little section of my person somewhere. The person I was before that I respected and was proud of has had some emotional challenges that, no matter how logical, are banging up my knees every time I try to clear the hurdles down a new personal path. There are a few things that I still really like to do. But the pressure of finding my worth as an income earner is overshadowing the time I could spend doing what makes me happy versus what will make money. Perhaps that is what it all boils down to. I am forsaking myself in the pursuit of a job, but I can’t make any of the jobs work because I am not there to execute in the manner I know I am capable of, once I have passion behind my goals.
Tomorrow I’ll start a “100 Things I Love about Myself” list and see if I can re-ignite my passion.
