Here’s the second poem in my child abuse series I’m doing.
Sometimes you can’t always see what needs to be seen from the outside. For most of us we hid parts of ourselves from the world. They are only for us.
But sometimes those parts we hide are the parts that need to be seen the most. We not only hide the good. We also hide the shame.
That’s what this poem is about.
Seeing What’s Not There
It was a birthday party
for one of my childhood friends.
Everything seemed perfectly normal.
Wasn’t a day for the world to end.
I stood in the very back.
Didn’t want to draw any attention.
Besides, the world I lived in
was out of these girls comprehension.
While they giggled with delight,
I cringed with untold fear.
Was so scared someone would notice
a bruise or my lack of cheer.
But they were all blinded
by the mask I chose to put on.
Learned from an early age,
how easily laughter was to don.
They didn’t meet a stranger.
Greeted every man with a hug and smile.
I shied away and hid in a corner.
Didn’t want to meet another who’d beguile.
Didn’t want to feel another’s hand
touching a place forbidden.
Didn’t want to feel another’s kiss.
Or feel like my will was being overridden.
When asked to join in on the fun
I’d look for some secret place to go.
Somewhere to be invisible.
Some place he wouldn’t know.
Away from his piercing eyes.
Away from his scorching touch.
Away from his devil’s mouth.
Away from his smothering clutch.
Those days are tarnished
with darkness and nightmares.
Others remember the happiness of that day.
I recall the guilt and shame I had to bear.
Also of wanting another life.
One in which I shared in their laughter.
Shared the dreams of a prince charming.
In the make believer’s happily ever after.
But that wasn’t my life.
Nor do I wish that now.
What is in the past, is passed.
One long ago day I had made a vow.
Don’t look back when you can look forward.
Don’t dwell on the past when the future is bright.
Don’t wish harm, or evil, on others.
Only when you achieve this will the butterfly take flight.
