Even redneck boys like pretty girls and I remember one evenin’, back in the late sixties, when my old pal Bill arranged blind dates for my brother and me. We should have known better. I mean, if Bill dated anything like he camped, the night could very well prove to be fatal. Bill assured me that my date was not really blind, merely a blind date. I was still concerned, because with him you had to ask direct questions and hope you hadn’t left anything important out. While Bill wouldn't lie to you, if you didn’t ask he wouldn’t tell. Like most rednecks, he was honest unless cornered, then he’d lie his rear-end off.
When Bill arrived at our house he was drivin’ his mom’s car, which sure beat going to town in a hay truck. Let me assure you, it is hard to pick up girls with a hay truck no matter how big your smile. His expression was that of a used car salesman, the I know and you know this car is a lemon, but you’re going to buy it anyway look.
Since we were going out we’d already washed down at the creek. Also, we were dressed our best, with all three of us wearin’ jeans, Bubba’s Bait Shop tee shirts and, of course, cowboy boots. And, as you might guess, each of us wore a cowboy hat. Bill had his cigarettes rolled up in his right shirt sleeve and Larry had a can of snuff in his right rear jean pocket. I hated smokin’, because I choked when I tried it and snuff was like taking sand into my mouth. No thanks to either, I chewed Deadman chewin’ tobaccer.
With a grin and a laugh the three of us piled into his mom’s car and were soon leavin’ a cloud of dust following us on the old country road toward town. We were to meet the girls at a drive-in theatre in a small nearby town. That meant girls, maybe a beer, and a good movie. Onliest thing better would have been a greased pig contest at a county fair.
On the road, Larry kept askin’ about the girls, while I was more worried about maybe gettin’ some beer from Bobby Lee, the town drunk. Now, like I said, I’d never seen the girls, but decided to help Bill out by sayin’ things that were probably true about anyone. Things like, they have real nice personalities, they really like drive-in movies, they have good smiles (this one came back to haunt me), and they are lively. When Larry asked Bill about his date, he told Larry his girl had a smile as big as the Mississippi River. I had double dated with Bill before and he had good taste, so I wasn't very worried, but I should have been. Actually, if I had known what I was going to face that night, I would have doubled the beer order from Bobby Lee.
Once in town we went by Bobby’s place and he got us a six pack of beer along with a couple pouches of chewin’ tobacco. That and a woman is all a redneck man needs to be happy, ‘less it’s grits and coffee in the mornin’s. Bobby took his usual cut, a gallon of wine that cost us a dollar. But, Bobby always did have expensive tastes. We soon had the beer in a metal washtub iced down.
Then it was off to the drive-in. At the entrance gate it was two dollars a carload and it made me wish, in a way, that we’d brought the whole hay haulin’ crew. Then again, maybe not this night, after all, we were girl trollin’. We drove around the parkin’ area and soon found the girls. Bill got out and brought his and my girl over to his car. His girl was very pretty and had a nice shape too. I guess my date was all right, except for her moustache. I was trying to grow a beard at the time, but I shaved it off later that same evening. Why? Well, when I realized it would be years before my facial hair was as good as my dates, I just lost all motivation. Plus, I found out later that she chewed a bigger wad of ‘bakker than most men did.
