Since the federal government implemented the national “Do Not Call List” a few years ago, I have happily seen a decrease in the number of solicitation calls that I receive. The program actually works. In light of this success, I think we should implement some other “Do Not” lists:
Do Not Disturb Before 9:30 a.m. on Saturdays
Under no circumstances, unless it entails a full-course breakfast being brought into the bedroom, should anyone on this list be disturbed prior to 9:30 a.m. on a Saturday. Most type-A personalities will be appalled that such a list could exist; but, I, for one, can’t wait to sign up.
Do Not Continue Reminding Me of My Unhealthy Eating Habits
Okay, I get the message. I am tired of most magazines, talk shows, and health news segments reminding me that many of my food choices are unhealthy. I totally recognize that there is much need for improvement but enough is enough already. All the guilt inspires me to do nothing but add another box of ice cream to my grocery cart. How ironic is it that I’m usually consuming some sort of contraband food while I’m reading said magazine articles or watching said television programs? Someone please pass the M&M’s!
Do Not Make Me Pay an ATM Charge
Even after all these years of ATM fees, I still struggle with understanding why I get charged for withdrawing my own money. I think we should support all those banks and credit unions that still have free ATM transactions—they are my financial heroes.
Do Not Make Me Exercise with the Fitness Gurus
I really believe gyms should divide their workout rooms into sections based on experience and fitness ability. It really isn’t very encouraging to get on a treadmill, set the level to the slowest possible and still end up gasping for every breath five minutes into my workout while the mega-in-shape people are to my right and left hammering out six minute miles without breaking a sweat. I think gyms should have a beginner room, an intermediate area, and an advanced workout room. They could host little graduation ceremonies as people progressed in their fitness level. Could we have M&M’s at my ceremony?
Do Not Send Me Unsolicited Gift Catalogues
Last year I received so many gift catalogues in the mail I accumulated a 9-inch high pile by the middle of December. Out of the entire stack, I probably ordered from three of the companies in the past ten years. The rest of the catalogues came from retailers that I never bought from or never heard of. What an insane waste of resources! Although I must admit, I enjoy browsing through some of them while I’m eating my contraband food, a lot of paper, ink, and postage would be saved if they would just wait for me to contact them. The pile has already begun for this year—I think we’re going to surpass the nine-inch mark. Oh, happy holidays!
Do Not Make Me Sign up for Another Store Discount Card
Who ever started the trend among grocery stores and other retailers of requiring a store card in order to receive coupons and discounts? My key chain is so crammed with those things that I can barely put my car key in the ignition. I lost my keys the other week and I didn’t worry much about my personal security until I remembered all those blasted store cards were attached and I obviously didn’t want some schmuck using the cards to find out my personal information. I wish we could just return to the days where a store’s selection and customer service were enough to secure my business and everyone was welcome to the discounts.
Finally, I’ll end with a Do List:
Do Continue to Send Me Credit Card Offers in the Mail
With all my ATM fees, unhealthy food consumption, catalogue purchases, and gym memberships (where’s the discount card when you need it?), I definitely need to keep my credit card balance moving from one low interest card to another. My next goal will be to sign up for the “Do Not Use a Credit Card List,” but until I qualify for that one, keep those offers coming!
