I walk in, and I can barely find a place to stand—let alone sit. As I sidle up to the back of a ridiculously long line of people (waiting for nothing more than flavored coffee beans), I wonder what kind of crack they use in the brewing process. Images of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld come to mind. The colorful menu hanging behind the counter intimidates me, and before I know it, it’s my turn to order.
“Hi!” the barista overenthusiastically salutes.
“Uh … ” is my only reply, as I quickly scan the menu again. My eyes stop at the chalkboard menu with a swirly font, and pretty pictures. I choose something from there, and hope it doesn’t give me gas.
Like a vulture scanning for a defenseless creature, I search the room for an empty seat. No luck … but wait! That lady just might be getting ready to leave (either that or she’s readjusting her incredibly high-waisted pants). Yes! She’s leaving. I make a beeline for the empty seat, knocking over an innocent bystander or two in the process.
On this chilly December afternoon, I squeeze into the seat with my bag (which is roughly half my size), my jacket with a thousand pockets, and a scarf so long it’s wrapped around my neck 147 times. I can’t hear my name called over the blah blah blah and soft music, but then I notice an annoyed barista craning his neck in my direction, and I assume my drink is up. He plasters the all too familiar hurry up and get your drink smile on his face, and hands it off to me.
The drink I ordered is so sweet, it instantly turns my tongue into cotton. I find myself staring longingly at the green tea belonging to the gentleman sitting to my left. Why do I stray from what I like? Their menu is evil, and it entraps me every time. Beneath the kaleidoscope of color and curly font lies a subtext that reads: If you don’t try this overpriced latte, you’ll be missing out on an orgasm of flavor like you’ve never known, and will die a horribly dull death, with a rosebud-esque last whisper on your breath that sounds very much like … peppermint mocha latte. Really, it’s there if you look closely.
