January 1: The First Day
Today is the first day of the new me. I vow to keep my resolution this year to become the healthiest me I can be. I will eat more vegetables, exercise more, and eliminate sugar, caffeine, fat, and carbs from my diet. Here’s to the new and improved me!
January 1: Lunch
I felt guilty throwing away the cake from last night’s party. It just feels wrong to throw away perfectly good food. I ate a few bites before throwing it out. I only feel slightly guilty because there are starving kids in Africa and I ate it for them … or something like that.
January 1: Dinner
How the hell do you make spaghetti without rolls? Cutting carbs is a lot harder than I thought.
January 2: Breakfast
I had two eggs and sausage. How the heck do you eat eggs by themselves? I drank a little coffee so I’ll just have to catch up on the fruit later. Maybe I’ll drink the orange juice for a snack later.
January 2: Mid-Morning
How do people go for more than two hours without eating? I ate a Snickers bar, but at least I washed it down with orange juice.
January 2: Lunch
Did you know that pasta is a carb? I could kill my husband for telling me that. Fine, go ahead and ruin the leftovers. I ended up eating a salad. He then points out that croutons, bacon bits, and dressing are not on my diet. He is lucky the croutons, bacon bits, and dressing are not on his pants.
January 2: Mid-Afternoon
I broke into a stash of Girl Scout cookies I had hidden in the pantry. I ate them in the bedroom where my husband could not see me. I am not counting that as a snack, though, because no one knows that I ate them. When I returned to the kitchen later, my husband pointed out there were black spots on my teeth (damn Thin Mints), so now I have to get a dentist appointment because I blamed the black spots on cavities.
January 2: Dinner
Screw it. I’ve been good all day. I’m ordering pizza and washing it down with a Coke.
January 2: Bedtime
I took my daily vitamins. I feel wonderful. I even took an extra calcium pill. I think I’ll floss, too. This has been a great diet day!
January 3: Breakfast
I don’t have time to make eggs, so I ate Eggos instead. But I skipped the syrup and only ate them with butter.
January 3: Mid-Morning
Since I am back to work from Christmas vacation, it will be much easier not to cheat. Everyone at the office has the same resolution, so we will stick together.
January 3: Mid-Afternoon
Some of the bitches at work are coming down hard with sugar and/or caffeine detox. If one more person tells me how hungry they are, I’m going to punch them in the flabby gut. Their constant complaining just reminds me that I’m hungry, too. Then there’s the already skinny bitch who wants to lose “those hardest five pounds—the last ones” who has been seen eating her yogurt. She keeps cheerleading that it isn’t hard if you find “tasty” foods. Snickers is tasty, you anorexic heifer!
January 3: After Work
I stopped by McDonalds and grabbed a Happy Meal on the way home. I still hate that girl at work.
January 3: Dinner
I made a delicious dinner of homemade vegetable soup with a spinach salad. I measured my food and ate the correct portions. Whew! One more good meal down. I’m sure I’ve lost two or three pounds today!
January 4: Breakfast
Screw it; just give me coffee and toast.
January 4: Mid-Morning
Work sucks. I went to the vending machine (just to look) and ended up spending $5 on crap. I’ll just leave it in my desk. I ate a bag of M&M’s. No one was looking, so those calories are free.
January 4: Lunch
I stabbed the skinny bitch with my salad fork. I don’t want to hear about how cabbage does taste good once you stop eating fatty foods. If she’s not careful, she’ll be wearing a can of Crisco home today.
