1. Where are you from?
I come from a land down under,
Where beer does flow and men chunder.
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.
I mean it, please take cover ... these chundering men are about to explode!
2. What is your occupation?
Mayor Elect of Showbiz and Auto Detailer (if you want your car to look like it’s from the Dukes of Hazzard, I can do that) ...
3. What is the best thing about working in New York?
Stealing all my ideas from the homeless.
4. If you could, what would you change about the city?
I’d add more Drug Stores and Starbucks, because right now, I have to walk a block to get to either place and that’s not cool.
5. What was the strangest thing that happened to you while commuting or traveling?
I was once punched in the face by a man who was over gesticulating about the fare for the subway. He was swinging his arms wildly while speaking and he totally cold cocked me in the noggin. I screamed in pain when his fist hit me in the nose ... then he looked at me like, “Dude, chill out, I didn’t mean to punch you in the face.” Oddly, I felt like the jerk in that situation. I think I might have even apologized.
6. Have you ever had a train, plane, bus—love or crush episode?
Yes, I remember I was on the subway and I saw that face. That beautiful, smiling face. I’ll never forget the day I saw him. His name was Zizmor, Dr. Zizmor. He promised to eradicate all my problems (although he mostly specialized in taking care of skin blemishes and acne).
7. If you could commit a crime and not get caught, what would it be?
I’d steal the T-Rex from the Museum of Natural History ... talk about a conversation piece.
8. Is your mom a good cook or fabfriggintastic?
Let’s not bring my mom into this, okay?
9. Black, brown, red or blonde?
If it’s a horse, black.
A balloon, red.
An albino, I’ll take blonde.
10. Are you a leg, breast/chest or ass man/woman?
I’m a head guy. That, to me, is the most important part of a woman. If a girl has amazing breasts, legs, or even an ass and doesn’t have a face, it might be fun for a few weeks but believe me, you’ll get bored.
11. Men: boxers, briefs, boxer briefs or commando? Women: bikini, thong, hipster, booty/boy shorts, granny panties or commando?
Thongs or diapers (if I’m going out).
12. Chocolate or vanilla?
In a fist fight? Vanilla (apparently it fights dirty … that’s what I hear).
13. Favorite dessert?
Neil Diamond’s homemade Apple Strudel.
14. Do you take vitamin supplements?
Sometimes, but I forget. I do take Lactaid Pills, not because I’m allergic, but because I just hate milk and I want to defeat it while it’s in my body.
15. If you could have a dinner date with anyone dead or alive who would it be?
ALF, because I think if we put our heads together we could figure out a way to send him back to Melmac. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion ... that he doesn’t want to go home.
16. Favorite music video?
Leonard Nimoy’s “Bilbo Baggins.” You Tube it, it’s awesome.
17. Favorite music instrument to play or would like to play?
One of those cool flutes that the Cantina Band guys played in Star Wars.
18. Biggest pet peeve?
People who treat their dogs like children.
19. Biggest turn on?
Answering 20 questions about myself.
20. What is the last question you would like me to ask you? Or you can ask me one question?
I’ll ask you, where did you hide that body that we accidentally killed?
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you ... I hid it in Cartagena, Columbia. For the exact location, you will need to use the treasure map I drew known as “El Córazon” (that’s Spanish for “The Heart”) which is a little piece of land hidden in the Córdoba Province (I’m having my people overnight the map to you as we speak). There’s just one caveat Paul ... if you pass the “Leche de la Madre” (that’s Spanish for Mother’s Milk), you have gone too far. Oh and watch out for the deadly snakes that are prevalent in that neck of the woods. Give me a ring if you have any problems … happy hunting!
Please check out the hysterical comedy of Paul Scheer in Human Giant: Season One available on DVD. For more laughs and thrills just Google him and explore the world of Mr. Scheer. Or, there’s always paulscheer.com as a last resort. Cheers!