4. Discount Fertility Treatment
Photo source: Archie McPhee Seattle on flickr (cc)
Human beings are pretty darn complicated organisms—our DNA sequence could fill two hundred 1,000-page New York City telephone directories. If we could unwrap all the DNA in each of our cells and place each segment end to end, the distance covered would reach to the moon 6000 times! Honestly, we’re lucky that more of us aren’t born more fucked up than we currently are. There are billions of possible complications involved in fertilizing an ovum, so don’t tempt fate and get a fertility quack. Spring for the expert—we really don’t need any more freaks.
5. Discount Bris
We don’t even have to go here—just say no.
6. Discount Tattoo
Photo source: TimNorton on flickr (cc)
We can return shirts we don’t like, but there is no return policy for tattoos, so you better get it right the first time. Prisoners may have no choice, but you do—go to someone who is licensed (and actually talented). Not only will you be spared exposure to deadly blood-borne pathogens, you may also end up with a real piece of art on your body. My heart goes out to this guy—after losing his beloved, he’ll have to explain to their children why Mommy looks like a decomposed carny corpse.
7. Discount Pregnancy Test
Photo source: cobalt123 on flickr (cc)
Not everyone is delighted to see that little plus sign on the pee stick; some women just don’t want to give up their drinking, eight-balling ways to deal with motherhood. Others just can’t put their habits on hold while a kid cooks in the oven. Weaning babies from heroin isn’t pretty, so when you really need to know if you are pregnant, lay down the dough for a quality test—then celebrate with keg stands and a little freebasing. Just say no to crack babies!
Gotta run—it’s discount seafood night at Crabbie’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet tonight!
[Editor’s note: just say no to discount seafood.]
