During these trying economic times, we’re all looking for ways to save a buck. And while we all know that clipping coupons and riding a bike to work are good ways to save money, there are other cost-cutting measures you should avoid—like these services you should never go discount on. Trust me; I spent an entire day with a student dentist once—some things are just worth the money.
1. Discount Plastic Surgery
Sure, everybody’s doing it and your face could probably use a little work … but don’t go to that guy your buddy’s cousin’s mother’s niece recommends, who operates in his creepy old trailer at the “bad” end of the park. Diamonds are forever but can be lost or stolen; your face is with you for life, no matter what. Don’t let surgical mistakes happen to you.
2. Discount Defense Attorney
Photo source: insunlight on flickr (cc)
All Simpsons fans know Lionel Hutz, the defense attorney for the family. In one episode, he is on trial himself, accused of “accidentally running over the judge’s dog.” Defending himself, he testifies, “Replace the word accidentally with repeatedly, and dog with son.” If you are facing some hard time or a murder rap, spring for the expensive guy. If you win, you’ll be poor (but free) but if you lose, will all that money you saved be worth anything in the harsh prison marketplace?
3. Discount Dentistry
Photo source: Road Rage Bunny on flickr (cc)
Going to the dentist sucks, but it can suck even harder if you go the cheap route. When I was a poor grad student, I went to the local community college’s student dentist program for a cleaning. Five hours later they sent me home with an aching jaw and stiff back, after telling me I needed to come back in a couple of hours so they could finish! My God, people, how long can a cleaning take? Forever, in fact; every single move with brush, probe, or sucky straw had to be approved first by the instructor, making for an endless ordeal. And you know what the most fucked-up part of this story is? I actually went back!
4. Discount Fertility Treatment
Photo source: Archie McPhee Seattle on flickr (cc)
Human beings are pretty darn complicated organisms—our DNA sequence could fill two hundred 1,000-page New York City telephone directories. If we could unwrap all the DNA in each of our cells and place each segment end to end, the distance covered would reach to the moon 6000 times! Honestly, we’re lucky that more of us aren’t born more fucked up than we currently are. There are billions of possible complications involved in fertilizing an ovum, so don’t tempt fate and get a fertility quack. Spring for the expert—we really don’t need any more freaks.
5. Discount Bris
We don’t even have to go here—just say no.
6. Discount Tattoo
Photo source: TimNorton on flickr (cc)
We can return shirts we don’t like, but there is no return policy for tattoos, so you better get it right the first time. Prisoners may have no choice, but you do—go to someone who is licensed (and actually talented). Not only will you be spared exposure to deadly blood-borne pathogens, you may also end up with a real piece of art on your body. My heart goes out to this guy—after losing his beloved, he’ll have to explain to their children why Mommy looks like a decomposed carny corpse.
7. Discount Pregnancy Test
Photo source: cobalt123 on flickr (cc)
Not everyone is delighted to see that little plus sign on the pee stick; some women just don’t want to give up their drinking, eight-balling ways to deal with motherhood. Others just can’t put their habits on hold while a kid cooks in the oven. Weaning babies from heroin isn’t pretty, so when you really need to know if you are pregnant, lay down the dough for a quality test—then celebrate with keg stands and a little freebasing. Just say no to crack babies!
Gotta run—it’s discount seafood night at Crabbie’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet tonight!
[Editor’s note: just say no to discount seafood.]