I saw a billboard recently that advertised “Total Sleep Dentistry.” On it was an exceptionally beautiful young hot blonde (is there any other kind?) wearing a red polka dot bikini (or was it a thong with spandex pasties?) and a glistening smile.
Her blinding whites radiated in a sparkling, 3D movie star on the big silver screen kind of way—as if stroked by a caress—not from a toothbrush, but from Tinkerbell’s magic wand.
The giant plug in the sky obscuring my sunlight and scenic view went on to promise 1) NO pain, 2) NO memory, 3) NO suffering, 4) NO lie!
Whew! Talk about promises, promises! NO lie? Forget about our paltry plebeian fibs: “The refund check is in the mail,” “I texted you to cancel the wedding, didn’t you get it?” “So sorry, the computers have been down in the dumps all morning,” and (my personal fave) “Big deal, I’m five hours late. There was traffic.”
Cross your heart and hope to die (pleasantly, of course.) You will have NO pain during the usual emotional and physical torture of being pinned down in a particularly unattractive Naugahyde dentist chair while highly sensitive and personal parts of your pie hole are summarily cut, gouged, scraped, and excavated.
Guess we can kiss “No pain, no gain” goodbye. If innovation and technology can bring us the glorious benefits of sweet air sedation dentistry, then perhaps there are no limits. (One can dream.) How about “NO pain adolescence,” “total sleep marriage,” “NO memory divorce,” “NO anguish parenting,” “NO suffering family funerals,” and “carefree chemotherapy?”
You decide. “NO lie,” or “No life?” In any case, a honking dose of laughing gas is always a welcome caller at my daily slog fest of trials and tribulations.
