5. I Can Sport Rockin’ Sausage Curls
Their French twists, voluminous bangs, and intricate braids would make Paul Mitchell proud. These ladies do not mess around when it comes to their hairdos; this is some high-couture hair. When I join the compound, I won’t ever have to cut my hair again—it’s not even allowed. I’ll rise with the sun and have my three-year-old weave my locks into complex up-dos. I can only begin to imagine how useful my Rapunzel-esque hair will be during my nightly group sexcapades …
6. Entertainment Provided by Grassy Pastures
Who needs TV, radio, and Internet? I’m sick of reading the news, watching Grey’s Anatomy, and listening to Mariah’s new record. I really just want to be alone and live a life of seclusion. Laughing is so overrated; it’s such a frigging relief that it’s forbidden on the FLDS compound. Every day I come across dumb people on TV, on the radio, and on the streets, making lame jokes and I’m forced to laugh. Sometimes, it takes more energy to conjure up a chuckle then to microwave my Lean Cuisine. All I really want to do is play alone in the fields.
7. No Need to Find a Date—Jesus Does It for You
It’s so goddamned stressful to get a date. Two-thirds of my brain-power is wasted figuring out how I’m going to get laid. God forbid (or should I say, allow?) considering the idea of marriage. Once I’m a polygamist, I’ll never worry about dating again. My husband will be pre-chosen by Jesus Christ. I won’t have wasted awkward teenage years competing with the Lindsay Lohans of the world. I’ll be hooked, booked, and cooked before I even turn thirteen (if I’m lucky).
I’ll admit that the whole child abuse and forced marriage thing is off-putting, but from the hot hair to the group-sex, it’s an offer I can’t refuse. Hey, Warren Jeffs, where the heck do I get an application?
