Visit Jeb
Bush feels a little bad about neglecting younger bro Jeb for the past eight years. He will fill up the tank of his Hummer and head to South Beach for a long weekend. Look for the two to order California rolls at Nobu (the rest of that nasty stuff is raw!) and make eyes with J Lo and her new twins.
Hang with His Homies
He’ll have Laura arrange some playdates with his buddies, Cheney and Gonzalez. They’re all out of jobs.
Catch Up on Reading
Bush missed reading his favorite literature—Maxim and People magazines—during his White House tenure. Luckily his servants in Crawford have been saving back issues on the empty shelves of his home library.
Hire Someone Else to Clear Brush in Crawford
Bush famously took more vacations than any other president in history and his press office deftly disseminated pictures of him clearing brush. (Reports from inside say that the West Wing is covered with homoerotic pictures of Bush wielding a chainsaw). Now that there’s no political benefit, bring on the landscapers.
Keep Playing Dress-Up
Bush can put on his flight suit any time he wants and keep repeating, “Mission accomplished.” He may also like to wear his dad’s suits and pretend to be a respected ex-president.
Make a Workout Video
Bush, known for his fitness, will indulge his fans with a workout video. He’ll invite special guests (Scooter Libby, John Ashcroft, his wife Laura) to star in the videos, and he might even create a line of Bush-themed work out mats, leg warmers, and little hand weights.
