I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried and failed to write this post.
The problem is, I’m a psychological astrologer, not a predictive astrologer. That means I’m really good at detailing your neuroses for you, and telling you how to get over them, but I can’t get a very good read on whether the jury will find you guilty or not.
So, predictably (ha!), when I tried to read future events into the horoscope charts of Barack Obama, John McCain, and even the election itself, I got stumped.
It’s not that I can’t tell what the charts say. It’s just that, by my reading, the signifiers for victory and loss look so evenly matched in both candidates’ charts that I honestly can’t make a call I feel certain about. And by now, the amount of time I’ve spent trying to ply an answer from the stars about the outcome of this election is probably unhealthy, definitely unprofitable and undoubtedly laughable.
So I’m asking—nay, pleading—for your assistance. I’m asking all Pandoracle readers to do their own election divination this week. You are advised to use the traditional divination method assigned to your zodiac sign below, so as not to let poll numbers, media predictions, and personal desires get in the way. Then post your prediction in the Comments section below on (a) who will win the U.S. Presidential election and (b) what the electoral college vote distribution will be.* The instructions below will help you divine the winning candidate. For the electoral college numbers, you’re on your own.
And so, your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Aries (March 21-April 20): Pyromancy (divination by fire). Set something on fire—preferably something legal like a candle, a fireplace log, or the unfiltered end of a cigarette. Stare at the flame for a few tense moments until you see a shape in it. Does the shape most resemble a sunrise on the horizon (Obama-Biden will win) or an impeccably field-dressed moose (McCain-Palin will win)?
Taurus (April 21-May 21): Fructomancy (divination by fruit). Is the fruit in your kitchen close to, or already, on its last legs? In other words, does it need to be consumed quickly, before it expires? Or is it shiny, fresh and exciting—yet still you have people claiming it’s not quite ready to enjoy?
Gemini (May 22-June 22): The Crawling Baby (divination by crawling baby). Did your baby learn to crawl very fast, and was said crawling was accompanied by showers of praise and applause as well as the flashing of lots of cameras? Or did your baby take an interminably long time to crawl, all the while cursing a blue streak under his or her breath?
Cancer (June 23-July 23): Tyromancy (divination by cheese). Quickly, now: What’s your favorite kind of cheese? If you answered cottage, cream, or Kraft, you’re on the side of the real Americans. If you answered Stilton, brie, or goat, you’re clearly in cahoots with elitist snobs who have ties to domestic terrorism.
Leo (July 24-August 23): Bibliomancy (divination by book). Grab a book at random off your bookshelf, place it on its spine, and let it drop open. Does the first sentence you read sound more like Ernest Hemingway or Fareed Zakaria? If the answer is indeterminate, look at your magazine rack instead. Do you have a select few magazines, or just, you know, all of them?
Virgo (August 24-September 23): Uromancy (divination by urine). Next time you pee, before you flush, check out the pattern of the urine bubbles. Then come back and let us know who you think is going to win the election.
Libra (September 24-October 23): Scarpomancy (divination by old shoes). Can the oldest pair of shoes in your house be carbon-dated at least as far back as the Keating Five epoch? If yes, and the shoes’ original price would exceed $150,000 in today’s dollars, then Palin’s your woman. John who?
