Our idea of what constitutes good manners changes over time, because politeness and courtesy take on new meanings as society and technology progress. It was once standard for a gentleman to spread his coat over a puddle, lest a lady ruin her shoes by walking across it, just as it was once terribly uncouth for women to be gloveless in public. No one expects men to sacrifice their jackets to the mud these days, but now we have to think about the rules for using a Blackberry while on a date. Times change and people change, and ideas about etiquette must adapt accordingly.
Many people like to hold on to traditional manners and still teach their children the old-fashioned ways to navigate life politely. The basics of etiquette—saying “please” and “thank you,” holding doors open for the elderly, and covering your mouth when you sneeze—will never fall into disuse, but there are some etiquette standards that have lost meaning over the years. The world keeps providing new opportunities to demonstrate good manners, from cell phones and social networking to business dinners. It’s time for some of the outdated social mores to take a backseat, and recognize that modern times call for modern manners.
Bread-and-Butter Notes for Every Occasion
Handwritten thank-you notes are still the standard for accepting gifts at weddings, showers, funerals, and graduations. There’s no longer a need to acknowledge every small kindness with a letter. Old-fashioned bread-and-butter notes were written to express gratitude for the tiniest favor: “Dear Anne, Thank you for the kind use of your umbrella last Friday when we got caught in that rainstorm!” Nowadays, it’s fine to acknowledge favors between close friends in a less formal way. All that’s expected is that items are returned in good condition and that the hospitality be reciprocated. If we sent thank-you notes for every tiny event, we’d waste a lot of trees, so among close friends and family members, an email or call can be acceptable. The Emily Post Institute says that, “If you have a casual relationship with the gift giver and you correspond via email regularly, an email thank-you may be appropriate.” Older people may still expect handwritten notes, but among younger friends, a hug and a smile will usually suffice.
Asking for a Bride’s Hand
This engagement custom harkens back to when marriages were arranged by suitors and fathers, with women as the property to be negotiated. Except for all but the most religious and socially conservative among us, there’s no need to ask a bride’s father for permission to marry her. The average age of marriage for a woman is about twenty-six, making her an adult who’s capable of making her own decisions. Marriages today usually take place between two adults with their own careers, lives, and desires. Although some grooms-to-be think that it’s a nice old-fashioned tradition to uphold, it’s merely a gesture these days, and the father has only a small amount of influence. Besides, since the bride’s parents do not pay for many of today’s weddings (especially between older couples), the decision to marry rests with the couple alone.
No Jeans—Ever
When this rule took hold, jeans were ultra-casual garments only worn by children or manual laborers. It would have been highly déclassé to wear jeans to restaurants, while calling on friends, or to work. Nowadays, as well as for the last few decades, denim is sleeker, more formal, and more versatile than the denim of years past, and it’s okay to wear jeans when dining or going out with friends, provided the rest of a person’s attire is presentable. Some workplaces even permit denim in their dress code. Of course, nice denim is highly preferable to the jeans you wear to mow the lawn, and it should go without saying that jeans still shouldn’t be worn at church, to weddings, or to any other formal affairs. Many people are also still peeved when they see fellow patrons wearing denim at the theater or the opera, but for most occasions, a clean and well-fitting pair of jeans is perfectly appropriate.
