If you were someone who spent half her life dreaming about her wedding, dressing up as a princess, or obsessing over bridal magazines pre-mate, stop reading right now. You’re not going to like what I have to say.
For everyone else, you feel my pain. I’ve always loved going to other people’s weddings, but I never thought very much about my own up until now. Now that I find myself getting married, I’m in a happily strange position. Suddenly I need to plan.
Curiously, I’ve become a planner in ways I hadn’t imagined. It’s beginning to scare me a little. I have started to notice the sparkle of rings. I see places as potential wedding venues and experience food in restaurants as menu ideas. I notice the line of a dress, the exact shape of a flower, and all music as potential reception songs. Poetry is no longer poetry for me; it’s a possible reading at the ceremony. My life has been taken over! Or has it?
No matter what fantasy the wedding industry presents you, it’s a five or eight-hour party—and it will end. (Okay, ours is a two-day affair, so it’s closer to ten hours, but it’s not very much time in the scheme of our life!)
Here are a few ways to avoid the whole wedding racket, or what I call “the wedding industrial complex.”
1. Never lose sight of why you’re planning a wedding. After a recent engagement party, I was so moved by all the love and support from family and friends; it was a complete and utter reminder to the both of us why we’re doing all this planning in the first place! We’ve chosen to spend our lives together—and that is a wonderful thing. I’ve seen brides and grooms experience amnesia during the planning. They forget why they’re getting married and let the stress overwhelm them. “Bridezilla” may be an exaggeration, but these women—and their crazy grooms—exist. The planning process is not always pretty. It can take over your life—if you let it.
2. Think of wedding planning as a joint effort. My mate and I work on things together. We do have designated tasks (I give him lists of things to do with due dates), but we also do a lot together. It makes the process fun.
3. Consider a budget ahead of time and stick to it. Don’t let anyone persuade you to do something you don’t want. Consider what you could buy or invest in post-wedding. If you skip on the expensive gown or caterer, the money can go toward education or a down payment on an apartment or house.
4. Wear what makes you feel good, not what the world thinks you should wear. You don’t have to wear a gown or a veil if you don’t want to. White, cream, and all versions of ivory are gorgeous, but not all of us want to wear it. Why not green, blue, silver, or gold? One friend of mine went to a recent wedding where the bride wore a short blue dress and tall go-go boots. She was happy—and it showed.
5. If in doubt, skip it. In the wedding industry, so much is about theater—and it’s optional. I had a caterer blather on about “lighting options.” My idea of good lighting? A $2-bag of tea lights from the hardware store! He also mentioned a wonderful “stylist.” Aren’t stylists for celebs? Am I not fabulous enough?
6. Observe people carefully before deciding to work with them. I try to avoid vendors who say things like “You really should …” or “You have to …” or “You need to …” No, I don’t. As soon as someone starts talking to me like I’m a child, I run away as fast as I can!
7. Keep the wedding an expression of you and your mate. We’re writing our own vows and have decided not to have a best man or bridesmaids. Some have reacted in horror. You’d think the world was coming to an end. We also decided on a small ceremony on a separate day from the reception. No matter the reaction, we plug ahead with our plans.
8. Shop around. Not all vendors are alike and never assume that a vendor is giving you the best possible price. I’ve found that higher prices do not always correlate with higher quality in the wedding industry. It’s hit or miss. And when a vendor hears the word “wedding,” it’s often code for (sshhhh!) “double the price.” Give yourself options and don’t feel rushed into doing anything.
9. Designate one night of the week when wedding discussions are off-limits. Banning wedding talk guarantees that there is one day when not a thought or trickle of conversation between you and your mate is given over to “the big day.” Hell, make it three days a week.
10. Ditch what you don’t like; take what works for you. There is so much advice out there: from books, newspapers, and magazines, to TV shows, Web sites, and blogs, it can easily become overwhelming. It doesn’t matter what the latest trend is. It’s your wedding to plan. Not Modern Bride’s or Martha Stewart’s. I’ve thrown out the magazines and returned to my novel. It’s much better for my soul than any bridal magazine will ever be. The plans will come along just fine. We’re happy to be getting married, period.