A couple Christmases ago, my friends and I had a White Elephant party. Everyone brought a gift, drew a number, and proceeded to open and steal each other’s goods. I ended up with a blue Puma T-shirt. Someone else walked away with a coveted pair of silver earrings. Another friend, who we all thought had lost because her choice was the obvious gag, ended up with the Conair Two-Speed Massager.

Fast forward to the New Year. I’m watching the Sex in the City episode where Samantha goes to Sharper Image and asks where they keep their vibrators.

The unnerved male sales clerk assures her they do not sell vibrators. Fine, she says, annoyed, where are your massagers?

I am watching this Sex in the City with my friend who picked the Conair Two-Speed Massager during our gift exchange. She is giggling.

“Hey, what did you ever do with that massager?” I ask, casually.

“Oh, I still have it. Definitely still have it.”

According to her, the Conair does much more than soothe a sore spot. In fact, the Conair is such a wonderful bedside companion that it gets much more action than her Rabbit, widely considered the crème de la crème of sexual stimulators.

But, I wonder, how could a device constructed by the same company that made our curling irons back in sixth grade—the same company that has infomercials, for God’s sake—make a something that could compete with, of all the sexual animals on the market, the Rabbit?

The answer is that it depends on what you’re looking for.

For G-spot stimulation and penetration, a dildo like the Rabbit might be the way to go. However, when you’re home alone, perhaps lacking a porno, or an outrageously erotic imagination, or lubrication, penetration can be a bit tricky. Without foreplay, penetration can be downright painful.

Enter the Conair. She’s a two speed wonder that works great on the clitoris (low speed is apparently the best). She’s there for you when you’re not quite ready for a big, power tool-like penetrator, but you’re still wanting to heat things up externally. Best of all, she’ll never blow your cover.

When the cable guys came over to my friend’s apartment and had to move her bed to do some wiring, the Conair came clunking to the floor.

What could have been an awkward situation was rapidly ameliorated.

“Darn stiff neck; the Conair’s the only thing that works.”

The Two-Speed Massager ($19.99) is available on Conair’s Web site.