I admit it. I have my hands up in surrender. My gun is down and I’m allowing my hostage to run free completely unharmed. It was hard for me to do this a few years ago, but once I did it, I found myself lighter, happier, and more peaceful; I’d finally gotten out of my own way.
Up until that point, my life was a dangerous mess. I entered into drama-filled situation after drama-filled situation. Sometimes I walked in without realizing I was in a minefield. However, once I realized it was dangerous, it still took some time before I left. Other times, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew I was entering a battlefield filled with cannons, bombs, nuclear gas, and corrupt soldiers. In a way, it thrilled me.
Until, that is, I had had enough.
“There’s gotta be more to life than this!” I would say as I would cry my eyes out at stop lights. “What is the purpose of my life? It can’t just to be miserable all the time.”
It wasn’t until I followed the five steps below that I got the answers that turned my life completely around.
1. It ain’t them, it’s you. I’m good at blaming people for not taking care of me or treating me like I should. I hardly ever blame myself for not taking care of me or treating me like I should. Until I realized that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you (i.e., by how you treat yourself), I was really stuck in misery. I kept expecting them to want to treat me better because I was a nice person or because I was cute. Needless to say, those expectations led to an immense amount of disappointment. So I began treating myself with respect. My first task was learning to say no and stand up for myself.
It took a few months for me to master this.
2. Being responsible for myself. This one was supremely hard for me. I was the moral and behavioral policewoman of the world, mentally keeping track of everyone’s crimes and wondering why they weren’t getting jail time or the death penalty for all the wrong they had done. Until I stopped focusing on what they were doing and focused instead on what I was doing, I had a hard time not talking about other people. I knew more about their lives than I knew about my own! Once I got focused on my own life with pure gusto (and took a vow to stop gossiping), magical things started happening. Opportunities began coming out of the sky and money came from all sorts of places. I quickly learned that I may not be able to control other people and their actions, but I could certainly control how much of an impact they had on my life.
3. “Perfect Patty” ain’t so perfect. I’m a perfectionist almost down to the T. I want everything done the right way, in the right time frame (which means whatever is suitable for me), and by the right people. No exceptions. I held everyone around me to the same standards: “Be perfect or die!” When people pointed out my less-than-perfect behavior I’d cut them off or worse yet, show them how much more imperfect they were than me.
When I realized that being perfect kept me tense and afraid of fully living my life, I dropped the perfect act. Rather than claim to know it all, I simply said honestly “I don’t know.” Instead of breaking my neck to get things done myself, I delegated and/or asked for help.
Being perfect takes too much work.
4. Knowing my boundaries and keeping them clear. No one can run over you without your permission. I allowed people I dated, family members, and some friends to run all over me with their dramas, needs, wants, hidden agendas, money problems, and everything else you can think of. The moment I began saying no, out came the most vicious weapon that verbally stops everyone dead in their tracks at one time or another: manipulation.
