I am resolved to be more selfish, and I’m inviting you to join me! Why on Earth would I want to do that, you ask? Because even a little self-awareness, self-care, self-respect, and self-love—what I call healthy and responsible selfishness—can bring a lot of powerfully positive experiences into your life! Of course, I’m talking about capital S selfishness, as in tuning into and being in relationship with our higher selves.
I was speaking before two different audiences of students at the Paul Merage School of Business at the University of California Irvine in October 2010. I used to teach marketing and business strategy as an adjunct professor there, and I still guest lecture about once a quarter. Generally, I speak with both the graduate and undergraduate students, which was the case this time. I typically talk very specifically on marketing principles-in-action and the role of a brand manager in particular. This time, however, I waded into new territory. I shared my perspective on what it takes to be a successful leader in a ninety-minute talk entitled, “Leadership for Success.” My focus is on an area of leadership that I believe is not widely or deeply taught.
After asking the students to share what they believed were the “hallmarks” of their personal leadership styles, I discovered one foundational aspect completely missing: a deep relationship with the self. When I asked why no one had included “relationship with self” or “self-realization,” or “self-actualization,” or some other term that reflects knowing and expressing from the higher self, what I heard was disappointing, albeit not surprising. The students were concerned that this kind of focus would make them selfish leaders. While communication, negotiation, collaboration, listening, engaging, and motivating were seen as imperative, among other things, selfishness is not regarded as a key trait for world-class leadership. In fact, I’d struck a nerve—they were intrigued with how boldly I was taking a stand for selfishness, something just about all of them had learned was downright unacceptable in most aspects of life.
Without a doubt, the various definitions of the word “selfish” make it clear that to be so is not so good. However, the negativity feels driven by the aspects of the definitions that make the behavior ego-based and exclusive—a 24/7/365 focus on self. I’ve emphasized such language in the following definitions to make my point. For example, the Encarta Dictionary defines selfish as “Looking after own desires; concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others.” It defines selfishness as “the condition of habitually putting one’s own interests before those of others.” The World English Dictionary defines selfish as “Chiefly concerned with one’s own interest, advantage, etc, especially to the total exclusion of the interests of others.” Dictionary.com says: “1. Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others; 2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself.”
I will agree, focus on self to the exclusion of all else all the time, is neither healthy nor appropriate. But when you strip out the lingo of exclusivity and look deeper at the rest, the definitions provide guidance for exactly what I believe is a foundation for a happy and vibrant life—an exploration and valuing of inner interests and welfare which feel both healthy and responsible. Here’s my own definition of the kind of inner focus I’m calling for:
“Basing my choices on my needs, desires, and welfare without losing compassion for and interest in others; ensuring that I know and keep important in my life my true self.”
There’s no “only” or “to the exclusion of” or “regardless of.” I’m not saying that I stop caring about or for others. Nor do I suggest my interests be the focus for others in my world. I’m not saying you should focus on me, take care of me, make me happy, or treat me as the centerpiece of your life. In fact, those actions are more about codependency, and they have no place in a model for vibrant living. I am simply suggesting that all our relationships, our ability to create our own happiness, our connection to our passion, and our ability to express truth are all enhanced by how well we connect to our deepest and most truthful self. This is the centerpiece of how I take the best care of me. It’s how I connect best to the peace, love, abundance, and freedom that is my birthright.
