I’m a bit of a loner, so the pressure I put on myself is greater than anything anyone else can put on me. I’ve been feeling lost lately, not sure of what my path in life is. For the most part, I’m content where I’m at, yet a part of me still yearns for more and there’s another part of me that wonders whether I even deserve more because I honestly don’t need more. I strive to do the best I can yet I feel like I keep falling off but I think that that’s because a part of me doesn’t feel really motivated to complete some of the things I do like, finishing school. Most times I feel like there’s not enough minutes in the hour, hours in the day and days in the week for me to complete the things I want to do like, write new songs. Sometimes I feel like I’m wearing way too many hats and I really hate deadlines. I like being free to do what I want, when I want. I would like to be good at my job so people can stop looking at me like an inadequate female yet a part of me doesn’t even want to work there anyway even though I make pretty good money in comparison to most people I know.
I also would like to finish school yet I’m not sure if a degree would really make me happy . . . what if I end up in a job that I hate more than this one? Not that I hate my job but I would like to be doing something else and I’m kind of feeling like that something else is not what I’m going to school for. I always wanted to be a mechanical engineer or some sort of machinist.
I like working with my hands, making and fixing things yet I settled for an electrical engineering degree because “the market for it is good” and “they make more money” but is more money REALLY what I want? What I want is to be happy and I’m sure that money will not do that.
Since I started school, I’ve been getting a housing allowance and a books and supplies allowance from the “wonderful” department of Veterans Affairs (anyone who deals with the VA knows why I put wonderful in quotes) which has allowed me to pay off all my debt and catch up on my bills which is all I ever wanted to do anyway.
So I’ve done that and I’m feeling like, “Now what?” I know someone will probably think I’m crazy as hell for complaining about having money but know that that’s not at all what I’m doing. I’m super grateful for it and am glad to have it in case of emergencies (and no, I’m not going to loan anyone any) but the reality is it didn’t really make me happier. I mean, I’m happy to not have debt collectors calling me at all hours of the day but anything other that, I’m still me so I don’t understand why people want to be rich so bad.
Not saying that I’m in any way, shape or form rich but I’m good and it bothers me a lot when people constantly talk about money or lack thereof, not looking at all the other wonderful things they have in their lives to be happy about. Its funny how people always say they want more of something but when they get it, nothing really changes. Some people feel grateful and others are constantly wanting more, just being greedy. I think people need to redefine what “being broke” really means because if you have enough to pay a car note, rent, bills, buy food and the basic necessities, you’re not broke. You may just be barely making it but you’re not broke by any means. People talk about being broke simply because they can’t go out and buy something new that they didn’t need in the first place and that’s just greed.
