My summer vacation beckoned with a promise to switch my brain off. I heard a rumor I might reclaim a moment my time. Last year, an acquaintance told me she and her family took summers off from all obligations to play and travel. It sounded like a shady timeshare offer but I stole her permission slip. And gradually my spring’s hectic schedule was relieved by yawning weeks of hot nothingness. That was so last year because this year the relaxing and maxing is harder for me than I remember.
This year, I came back from my beach vacation wondering what I should do next. I was eager to accomplish something quickly. The washing of our underwear and the buying of groceries aside, my addiction to the do is more about proving my self-worth beyond those chores. I had so forgotten last summer’s lesson. As always my esteem looks to my performance for clarity. My pattern is to value me for my achievements where the doing matters and the being doesn’t.
To stop this neurotic brain hiccup, I think about the now. How I perceive my present governs my state of being. If my now feels good, life is good, or, if my now feels bad, life is bad. The events that occur don’t mean as much as my interpretation of them. What I choose leads the way. So, if I take fifteen minutes to balance the checkbook, I won’t worry about the future or the past and I’m here now with my kid saying, “Yeah, let’s go to the three o’clock showing of Cars 2 because my stuff is done. And I want to be with you.” I was supermom for the day.
This summer has been a lot about my child and nurturing his self esteem. That is a task worth accomplishing. He has made some pretty stupendous strides in the past month. For myself, I’d like to finish reading the book I started a month ago. I‘d love to take an afternoon to sit in the dark and watch my long chic movie that patiently awaits me beside the TV. And make a massage appointment. Oh and start that pesky blog I’ve been fretting over. My husband says, “If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right”. I say play instead of perform. Spontaneous beach runs are a decision away. Put-put on a week night and camping in our backyard are possibilities. It’s all good, until it’s bad.
