I’ve found myself in my fortieth year completely confused about where my life is going. I wonder at times how many other married forty-something moms are in my same situation. Is it a mid-life crisis? Probably not, since I have felt this way for many years. I want to be real about it, stop saying I should be grateful for what I have. Well, I am, but I’m regretful, too and albeit a bit unhappy about what I don’t have. By this age I should be reaping the benefits of a career that has been long in the making. A solid salary, you know all the bells and whistles to boot. It’s where I think I should be and I’m just not.
I chose to basically stay home with my kids, a teaching degree seemingly put on hold. I had started out as journalism major and very immaturely changed it to education. It’s a huge regret. One professor intimidated me enough, at nineteen years old, so much that I told myself I was not cut out for journalism and I immediately changed my major to education. I guess I figured I didn’t want to do anything but write, so I could always teach. What a poorly thought-out decision which at the time I had no idea would alter my life to this very day. Anyway, back to the stay-at-home-mom period of my life. I actually waitressed for many years at night so I could be home with my two kids. I never secured a teaching contract because I got pregnant right after I graduated college. So I subbed while I was pregnant, for one year. When my youngest was in Kindergarten I decided to get back into teaching. I had to start subbing again. Really fun to hunt and peck for jobs that pay crap and have zero benefits. I even did many long-term teaching jobs as well. I am going to open up a huge can ‘o worms here: it’s BS. A huge pile of it. Here’s how it works: you interview, you get hired to fill in for someone’s maternity leave or whatever because you are so awesome, and the contracted teacher is going to do nothing for you. Oh and don’t forget you are going to get paid basically nothing for doing all the plans, room prep, etc. I could honestly go on and on about what a racket it is and how unfairly we subs have been treated, but I won’t because I make my own choices and I have my own regrets. That’s what I am talking about here. I sometimes can’t believe where I am and what I am doing. A substitute freaking teacher. STILL! I put all my eggs in one basket for several years with one district and they never hired me...so I gave up! I have applied and hunted mercilessly for another job doing anything short of working fast-food, and nothing...ever...and I mean ever comes up. I have had one interview and you guessed it, they didn’t offer me the job. Ok, I had one job offer as a recruiter, however I was in a long-term teaching position that I thought would surely become a contract, so I turned it down! Another HUGE mistake because again I found myself with no contract. Finally, I found out why I wasn’t being hired permanently. Sit down for this: I didn’t have 4.0 on my transcript. Geez, sorry a 3.2 wasn’t good enough and years of hard work and fantastic reviews as a substitute didn’t count for anything either. So the girls they hired over me are now on their third and fourth maternity leaves and I am still filling the **** in!
I must be seriously stupid, or just plain crazy. Actually, I had an epiphany (just now): I was not meant to be a (regular) teacher. I was just meant to come in and out of kids’ (who I adore) lives and touch them in some small way until I was forty. I am laughing, but I think I am on to something. But how do I get another career going? It’s hard at this age. College, again? My daughter is a high school sophomore and will be looking to go to college soon. What a shining example I am to her! No sarcasm intended. I am telling her as best I can to do for herself what she truly loves and not be in any rush to play house. I think she gets it too. Mother’s intuition. Maybe seeing her succeed will give me the courage to find my true self. To be continued . . .
