My husband and I have not had sex since the birth of our son who is now two years old. Our relationship is compatible, but competitive in some ways. When other men find me attractive, he doesn’t seem to feel any caveman kind of “she’s mine so back off” kind of thing. Instead, he quietly observes and hides whatever reaction he may be feeling. Before we were married and had children, we had an enjoyable sex life.
Six months ago, at the urging of my therapist, I went all out to seduce him, buying lots of lingerie, and really going for it. His response: to hide behind the Wall Street Journal and claim he was “too tired.” I’ve asked him if he is seeing someone else and he claims he would never cheat on me. When pressed, he says that sex between us shouldn’t be such a big deal, and that I should just ease off a bit and he will come around. What is really going on here and what should I do?
A Man’s Perspective
Two years does seem like a long time, however, the trauma of childbirth and its effect on the man is widely misunderstood. He sees the woman that he desires quite literally being “destroyed” with the birth of the new child. The woman heals quickly especially with the excitement of the new child, but the man remains confused and shocked at witnessing such an event and taking second place to the child. His sexuality withdraws to a dormant position whilst the woman wants life to resume normally after six months.
At the risk of contradicting your therapist, my advice would be to take an economic analogy and restrict supply to create demand. Rather than attempting to seduce him and “going for it,” you should behave sexually aloof along with being more non-sexually affectionate. I am rather concerned by the “competitive” nature of your relationship too. Instead of being a libido aggressor, maybe you should try to feminize your approach and let him come to you without any threat.
If all of the above fails, then I suggest buying a Deluxe Rabbit and failing that, a ten day holiday in Jamaica should sort you out!
J.H., London, England
A Marital Duty?
In medieval times, people signed contracts that obligated them to “fulfill marital duties” (i.e. sex). These days things are more complicated! It’s great that you are trying to address the problem. Perhaps your husband sees his son as competition—and who could win against an adorable two-year-old, even if he has drool on his face? Start with quality of life issues. Do some fun and relaxing things together regularly, just the two of you. Movies, dinner out once a week, a short beach vacation while your boy is with his grandparents. Make sure you both get decent sleep and keep the munchkin out of your bedroom at night.
Anna M., London, England
Expert View
In her book, Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies and Domestic Bliss, author Esther Perel urges the reader not to hide under the covers while allowing passion in long-term relationships to die a slow death. On the paradox of desire and commitment, she writes, “eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent.” Thus, I salute you and your Wonderbra. I think your spirit has to be celebrated, especially after two years in the proverbial desert. I don’t know many women who would have just “gone for it” with such gusto. I do know a few who might have really gone for it at this point, but in someone else’s bed. Kudos to you for standing by your man.
Sex offers a potential for great pleasure, coupled with a temporary dissolution of boundaries, all while you remain connected to yourself. Life doesn’t offer a lot of opportunities where this is possible, so in turning away from you, your husband is communicating something. The question is—what?
Sylvia Rosenfeld, is a licensed couple and sex therapist in private practice, whose Web page can be accessed at gettingtheloveyouwant.com. Via email correspondence, she offers the educated guess that “going for it” in your lingerie might have been interpreted by your husband as a demand for sex. Given the competitive nature of your relationship, being able to say “not tonight,” may present an opportunity for one-upmanship. For many couples, withholding sex is meant to induce disappointment, convey power, signal who is in control, or convey rejection. Since your husband thinks the problem is best left alone, and you would like to take a more proactive stance, I suggest you begin by reading Michele Wiener-Davis’s book, The Sex Starved Marriage.
