There just isn’t enough of me to go around, not that it matters because even if there was there isn’t enough hours in a week for me to get everything done that I need to. I have the typical troubles (overbearing mom, crappy sister, low bank account) and some non-typical troubles (health issues stemmed from a car accident on top of health issues that were already there) and add to the mix that I am at a stage in life where I have hit a crossroads. The questions looming over my head right now are:
- Should I go back to school and try to get my Masters in anything
- Should I take that online course I am wanting to do
- Should I move to new apartment or try to stick it out for another year
Let’s add to this that I have gotten into a relationship a few months ago with a man whom is moving out of town in two months, and I have no idea if we will stay together or not. But wait there are a few more elements to this mess. My friend and I back in high school started our own production company, she has long since moved on with her life and left the company’s day to day to me. It is my dream to see the company become something real and in the last year have slowly started to make that happen. It’s the deadlines and workload of this company that is draining me but in a very good way. I love what it is I do. I just don’t understand why my mom can’t be supportive of me.
It has caused me to have a few “alter egos” though. I create my art under one name, run the company under my legal name, and because I am acting in our latest film, to be “in character” as much as possible as our “star diva”.
I have run myself ragged and no longer even know who I truly am. No longer sure just what my real goals are. How much of me is me and how much is what everyone wants me to be?
After the car accident, my therapist urged me to write more as “me”. To be as unashamed to be the person who was in the car that day. So I started to blog on the net as myself, not one of my alter egos. Because I have put so much of myself on the web as my alter egos, I have not added my photo as myself to anything. In a way, it has let me be more free to be me. I have been able for the first time to encompass all of my interests not just one little piece that would fit under this part of my “character” or that little piece that would under another. Though I am not completely ready to give up all the other parts of me, I feel a lot stronger as myself as a whole person.
