As a writer, I love language. I love to find the perfect way of saying something. This was why I was so excited when I recently discovered a new term: praise junkie. All my life, I’ve characterized myself as a people pleaser, but never really felt like the term did justice to the degree to which I struggle with constantly needing and seeking the approval of others. Yes, I am indeed a praise junkie.
I came across this term, praise junkie, while reading a parenting book. In her book, Kids Are Worth It: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline, author Barbara Coloroso describes what can happen when a child receives too much positive reinforcement. A child that constantly receives praise becomes dependent on it, thus creating a praise junkie. As is usually the case, my effort to learn about parenting resulted in more self-reflection than anything else. I had never thought of it in this way, but a praise junkie is exactly what I am.
Although praise junkie and people pleaser are synonyms, I much prefer the former for several reasons. People pleaser sounds so innocent and could even be confused for someone acting in a selfless manner. There is nothing innocent or selfless about being a praise junkie.
Praise junkie is better, in my opinion, because it gets right to the point of what is really going on. People pleaser implies that pleasing others is the desired end. A praise junkie is not just after pleasing others, but hearing encouragement and affirmation from others. The praise—positive words that will stroke the junkie’s fragile ego—is the coveted prize. Motivation to do even the most considerate things for other people ultimately comes from the praise that will be received in return.
I also love how appropriate the word junkie is. It effectively communicates the addictive nature of what it really means to be a people pleaser to the core. It’s such a negative term. I picture a junkie stumbling down a dark alley, maybe even committing a crime in order to get the money to pay for the next fix. It’s easy to sugar coat what it means to be a people pleaser, but a junkie is a junkie. It’s someone that can never get enough, someone whose life is being ruined because of the addiction. They are controlled by their need to get whatever it is that they are addicted to. When I think about my need to have the approval of others in this light, I can see how badly I need to address this problem in my life.
When I take an honest look at my day, almost everything that I do is an attempt to gain approval from someone. I wake up early so that I will be ready to greet my daughter with an eager smile in the morning. I go out for a jog so that I can get my pre-baby body back and hopefully catch my husband’s eye. I return emails so that my friends won’t be upset with me for being out of touch. I clean the house so that my friends who are coming over in an hour will think I have it all together. I spend time on the phone so that my family will feel well connected to us. I get my next writing assignment done early so that my editor will be happy to work with me again in the future. I volunteer to bake something for our women’s meeting. I go shopping so that I will have stylish clothes to wear. I change the time of meeting my friend for coffee because it works better for her, even though the original time was much better for me. I get the laundry done so that my little girl will have her favorite dress to wear. The list goes on and on.
