As I get closer to forty-five, I’m reflecting on my life—as a career woman, as a woman, as a lover, and a friend. Not to mention, I’m not married and I’m not a mother.
Wow, I think. How do I fit it all into, “This is who I am?” And where do I go from here? I’m not one of those women who put career in front of everything … or did I?
I was married … twice.
And I do want to marry again, but this time it will be different. (We always say that, don’t we?) But this time I know more about life and love. Most of all, I know more about me. This time, marriage would be for love, companionship, intimacy, and loving support. That should have been the case in my previous marriages too, of course. But they were more built on the fact that we were very attracted to each other; we fit, we wanted the same things, we had the same dreams, we had fun, and so on.
When I look back, I wonder what’s different now. I think the biggest difference is that I’m looking for the one who can walk with me on my inner journey—and I will with him on his too, of course. All the rest comes with it, doesn’t it? The same dreams, the attraction, the fun. But I know now we don’t have to be the same in every area to share something very special: our hearts.
I look back and wonder if I ever gave my heart completely to someone else. Or was it just my life that I gave them?
See, life taught me that lesson of hiding my heart and not trusting it to anyone. Especially after two marriages, a couple of lovers that were untrue, heartache from the loss of both of my parents, and the sense of loneliness that comes with being an only child. Life has taught me that it’s dangerous to love.
Love has taught me that it’s hard to live. Together, love and life have taught me that I am alone, disconnected, and that I better watch out. But that is not how I want to live!
First, I must learn how to feel the connection with myself. My diary can help me with that—so can some conversations with myself while walking in the woods, sitting in the bathtub, and lying in bed relaxing to some music before bedtime, as will meditation and deep breathing during yoga. All of those will help me get closer to me. So will a cup of tea while staring out into the rain from my window—even if that image of my mother comes up, reminding me of the days she was depressed and I could not reach her. But maybe those were the days she was communicating with herself, going into repair mode as I call it now—when I take time out for me and nothing else.
Some nice bodywork, a nurturing touch, and safe energy from a divine healer will help me too. That way I can feel the love come alive both within me and around me. The connection to healing, through touch, is very important when we need to awaken our hearts and come alive again, when we need to re-learn how to trust and love. Touch is the one thing that we are so starved for these days. There’s just not enough of it in our culture. A recent study showed that a couple in America would only touch a handful of times during one hour in a café, while the couple from Italy would touch more than 150 times. We need touch to feel our aliveness.
Good food is very healing and a necessity in our care taking and love toward ourselves. We cannot love ourselves if we do not treat ourselves with the utmost care, especially when feeding ourselves. Just as we care for a baby’s development, we need to care for ourselves when we’re grown up too.
So, from here on out, love and life have to go hand in hand. Love and life have to find a way to co-exist so that I can become whole, so that I can feel life inside me and have love around me. The old doubting voice comes up, do I dare? Of course I do, it’s my life we’re talking about. It’s not my love or my life; it’s my love and my life.
By Jeanette Bronée
Related Story: No Matter How Far