I never make New Year’s resolutions. Statistics show that they don’t stick, and I’d much rather have slow, steady lifestyle changes that get me more in integrity over time than any jump-start, quick-fix commitment that isn’t a commitment at all.
I’ve been looking for clarity, though, for a long time, on a couple of self-undermining behaviors in my life. The overall drama levels in my life have decreased significantly over time, but I have noticed that I still make choices that, contrary to every red light in my psyche, I make over and over again. The relationship that I know from early on isn’t going to work … why do I keep trying? The job that is in conflict with my ethical and professional standards…why do I keep trying to change it? Even at a very basic level—the laundry pile that would be much better off somewhere else—why do I ignore it? I came to some conclusions over my holidays that coincide so perfectly with New Year’s Day, I figured I’d make them my goals for 2008, just for kicks.
Maybe it’s age that brings wisdom. I really don’t know. But I am at the point in my life where the drone of my own excuses for why things are the way they are in my life bores me. My reasons for staying in relationships and situations that don’t work for me take more energy to generate and maintain than changing would. I have this inner voice that inevitably tells me when something isn’t working. And while I want to be cautious not to leap into decisions that will cut off people or things precipitously, I also no longer want to ignore that voice. Drowning out that voice is itself tiring, and it seems to be there for a good reason. I have never ignored it to my betterment, and I’m thinking that it’s time to put that information to use in my life, rather than looking for any more proof that it’s something I should heed.
So for 2008 I’m adopting three principles to my decision-making process. I am going to ask myself the following two questions for my life, and apply the third principle when I really don’t like the answers.
Does this person/place/thing/activity add to my energy or deplete it?
I’m applying this principle to both the microcosm and macrocosm of my life. This is about the closet that annoys me because of the boxes that are always falling down when I try to get something out of it; this is about replacing the babysitter who is chronically late and contributes to my anxiety levels about getting to work; this is about dating men whose presence overall makes me feel better in my life than worse; this is about taking on work that is in integrity with my ethics and standards of professionalism and letting go of the work that is not. There are big and little drains to my energy all over the place, and it takes less energy it takes to fix those leaks than to ignore them.
Does this decision contribute to my overall life goals or distract me from them?
I have a written life plan and a written business plan. I revise them both as I get further insights into what I want and what I value. Each one helps me be clear about what I want and my strategy for getting there. Where I’ve really struggled in the past, though, has been in consistently making decisions that actually further my goals. I wasn’t really aware of this until recently, when I picked up a book at the store and read the jacket. The book was called You’re as Broke as You Want to Be. I haven’t read the book, just a few paragraphs while standing in the store. But it resonated. I realized that my decisions don’t always jive with what I say I want in my life. I am at a place in my life where I’m willing to make the commitment to being in integrity with what I say I want.
