Dear Lisa,
I find that I fail to assert my needs. In most of my relationships, I’m the one to initiate the conversation, but I don’t seem to assert or, at times, know what I want. My pattern is to then withdraw or communicate with too much anger. I’m often left feeling like I’ve failed. Any tips on helping me find the middle ground? My problems with communication are affecting all areas of my life and I’d like to start 2008 off on a positive note.—Maria
Get Back in the Saddle.
Don’t badger yourself for communicating in the wrong way. We’re all working on how to be heard and to hear each other. Unless you have the skill of Buddha and his patience, too, you will mess up from time to time. For me, this has been the work of a lifetime. Be aware that your past hurts can trigger your current discomfort. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you’re making. Read some good books on communication, like Getting to Yes, and then dust yourself off, get back up on your horse, and try again. Best of luck.—Mary Jo Van Haastren, New Jersey
Know What You Want.
It’s difficult to assert your needs if you don’t have a clear sense of what they are. I would figure that out first before attempting to communicate or you’ll only continue to get yourself in a muddle. What’s holding you back from “knowing yourself?” “Know thyself” is one of Socrates main directives. Perhaps easier said than done, but with a bit of introspection, you will find your direction.—Dan Friedman, London
Expert View.
What you describe as your problem is a pattern of fight or flight that affects all people when under pressure. Most people are either passive (flight), or aggressive (fight), in their communication styles and you are wise to ask for the middle ground, which experts term “assertive.” Your fight or flight style of communicating will shift when you learn how to manage your emotions and determine what you want. By managing your emotions—I don’t mean suppress or change your emotions, or have years of therapy to get to the supposed root of them—you can “use the juice” of your emotions to inform you of what is going on inside you. Without judgment, accept and explore what you’re feeling. Only then can you decide if you want to communicate what is inside you to another. Intimacy broken down phonetically is “in-to-me-see.” If you don’t have a clue what is going on inside you, you are not going to find it through another.
It is a good idea to enter into any conversation—be it in the workplace, with a partner, with your close friends, or with your children—with a clear idea of what you would like to accomplish. This can be a quite specific and behavioral request or it can be something more general. Knowing in advance the outcome you seek will ground you and help you feel more in control of your life and the direction it’s taking. I hope you will agree that these are all good things for 2008!
Before you begin, remind yourself of what’s shared between you and your partner, or whoever it is you’ll be talking to. All too often we stress the differences between ourselves and others and find that before we even begin to speak, we’re off balance, and thus more primed to fight or flee. If it’s a difficult conversation that you’ll be sharing, it’s especially important to keep in mind your common ground. In The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, authors Martha Davis et. al, outline three simple steps to assertive communication:
- Describe what you are experiencing using “I” statements. “I” statements are non-blaming statements where you take 100 percent responsibility for what is going on inside of you.
