This Thanksgiving will be my first one spent alone. I just realized this yesterday, completely out of the blue. I was married for twenty-three years and was always the hostess for dinner every year, which included various friends and family members along the way. My sister and her family were at every dinner. When I divorced three years ago, I still made Thanksgiving dinner and my sister and family were the guests.
This year is different. They are in the process of separating and my sister didn’t want to have the usual get together. She thought I might be uncomfortable with all that has happened in her household this past year, which is most likely true. I don’t think I could hold in the comments that I feel so tempted to make regarding her husband. Which brings me to my first “all alone” Thanksgiving. There are many things to be thankful for, and this I do realize. I can be thankful for a peaceful and safe environment, food to eat, heat, and a very loving and funny little housemate (my sweet little puss, Sissie). I know that these are precious things and I’m grateful for all that I’ve been blessed with.
I’ve tried to look at this day as just another Thursday. It’s not working. I live alone, so it’s normal for me to eat, sleep, watch TV, etc. alone every day. I want to make this day just like every other so that it won’t bother me, but I’m having no luck. The images of happy family gatherings are everywhere, so it’s difficult to pretend that it’s the beginning of a long weekend and nothing more.
I suppose the real hurt at the bottom of all this is the fear that this is just the first of many holidays that will be spent alone. My heart won’t let go of that image no matter what I do to turn those thoughts to happier things. I never imagined being in this situation, at this point in my life. When you’re forty-seven, you should be enjoying the life you’ve already built, not starting from scratch.
