Many of us have taken up the habit of writing down our long-term goals, hoping we’ll direct our unconscious minds to accomplish them and they’ll manifest in the world. Unfortunately, as with New Year’s resolutions, this technique often doesn’t work as well as we’d like. Many of us are disappointed at the end of each year by the number of goals we didn’t get around to checking off our list.
I’ve come to believe one of the reasons for this is that we often base our lists of goals on what we’re convinced that we “should” want, rather than what we actually want. In other words, we’re setting our goals based on what our parents, culture, and other influences expect us to want, as opposed to our genuine desires.
For example, although you might really want to be a sculptor, you may have been taught that you “should” want a stable, respectable career in accounting. Although you may actually prefer being single, you may have been pressured by your family, friends, and others into believing you “should” get married. These “shoulds,” as they’re sometimes called, don’t really inspire us—we’re only pursuing them to get others’ approval and thus we don’t find ourselves strongly motivated to achieve them.
One tricky aspect of our “shoulds” is that they’re often difficult to tell apart from our authentic wants. We often learn what others expect us to want very early on, and those ideas become so deeply ingrained in us that we actually convince ourselves, on a conscious level, that we want them. For instance, I worked with one woman who, as a child, aspired to be a painter, but her parents told her she lacked artistic talent. For years, she felt unsafe telling people what she really wanted, or even acknowledging it to herself.
Our unconscious minds seem to know the difference between our real wants and “should wants,” and can block our efforts to reach a goal we’re not actually passionate about. But how can we become aware, on a conscious level, of what we deeply, truly desire? In coaching people on finding direction in their careers, I’ve found three approaches helpful, and I’ll share them here.
1. Notice How Your Goals Make You Feel
One way to get a sense of what actually inspires us is to check in with how our bodies feel. If we’re paying attention, we’ll know which goals we’re really interested in from the sensations that arise when we think about them. For example, when we hit upon something we genuinely desire, perhaps we’ll feel a surge of strength in our arms, a spacious feeling in our heart, or something else. By contrast, if we’re thinking about a goal that doesn’t actually inspire us, perhaps we’ll feel a numbness, a tension in our muscles somewhere, and so on.
To do this exercise, take a few moments to think about the goals you’d like to achieve in your life and write them down. (If you read a lot of personal development literature, you’ve probably done this before.) Now, go back to the top of the list and slowly scan your eyes down the page, reading each goal. As you do this, take deep breaths, and hold your awareness on the sensations coming up in your body. Notice how reading each goal feels inside. Ask yourself honestly: do you really feel inspired and empowered?
Once you understand the sensations a goal brings up in you, write down what you experienced next to that goal. For instance, if you felt chills down your spine when you thought about your idea of writing a book, describe that feeling. After you’ve finished running down your list, create another list of the goals that actually felt exciting to contemplate. When you’re working toward these goals, you’re likely to be at your most passionate and productive.
