In a recent “fit” of self-pity and despair, I started asking myself, why do I do the things I do that make me feel miserable? Why do my choices lead me nowhere, leaving me to “spin my wheels.” Why the feelings of social cluelessness and pervasive, soul-deep loneliness that never leaves me? Why do I always feel like I’m on the “outside looking in”?
Funny … in my mind and soul, I’m “Dolly Levi” (from the musical); the irony is that, that’s NOT what is being seen by 98 percent of the people I know, much less strangers.
I often ask myself: What would happen, if I took that person from within, and put her “out there,” in the world; could I even contain it?! Would I be less lonely, if I started acting like I REALLY want to be, and not how I think and worry about how I am perceived? Of course, if I started acting like, “It’s okay to be me and that it really doesn’t matter what other people think,” I might eventually come to believe it?! Wow! FREEDOM!
So, why don’t I?
What is keeping me from letting that “Dolly” inside me be free; allowing not just others, but myself, too, to enjoy the vibrant, happier, more confident self that I believe myself to be, deep inside?
The revelation comes: If I were to “act as if” I believed that I am all those things, I would become another person, one that I don’t know. Or, the one I’ve known I could be, all along. That involves change. It would mean that my story, as I’ve always known/presented it, would no longer hold the truths it once did. If I were to change the story, would I even be me? “My story” has always been, at least to the majority of the outside world, firmly rooted in the “fact” that I have been (acting like) a “victim” of life, of society, of the whims of others I have perceived to be “stronger” than myself.
In doing so, however, I have been allowing myself to be “led by the nose,” allowing others’ ideas/opinions of me to rule my life, essentially giving me few, if any, choices. Being of the mindset that, “no matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am what I am.” Then someone, or others come along who give me the freedom to choose, to make decisions for myself, and I am “paralyzed” by the sheer enormity of it all; blinded, as it were, in the headlights of uncertainty. That’s not freedom; that’s prison.
So, here’s the clincher. If I don’t want to remain in this self-inflicted prison of uncertainty and, all too often, loneliness, what will have to happen, to be set free? What would I be like, if I didn’t do the things that seem to sabotage me and my efforts to do/be more than I am, right now? Well, let’s see.
Imagining that I am already that person: The brick walls that were built up over the period of four decades have crashed; enough to risk letting people in.” I started with those closest to me, in heart; with those I felt safest; those I know love/accept me; then slowly expanded my circle of trust, and risked a little more.
The old tapes I was listening to, for so long, have been erased. Trashed, with no looking back. I began to TRULY realize—in my heart, mind and soul—that I am NOT the labels that were accorded me throughout my life. There is more to me than what I was allowing others to see, and/or believe. My challenges remain, but they are no longer the steep, insurmountable mountains they were just a year or two earlier. Acceptance has taken root, and I am much more at peace with myself, and others. I am living the motto: “Those who mind, don’t matter; those who matter, don’t mind”, so that I am freer to relate to others with the happy-go-lucky nature that is really mine. What others think of me is no longer as important.
Obstacles are only challenges; not barriers. I do not automatically think of why something won’t work, but find ways to make things happen. I realize that, while I have more control than I did, before, I humbly acknowledge that I cannot do it all, myself. There is a Higher Power; I’m turning to it for guidance, not running the whole show, myself, and life is running more smoothly.
Going back to the present, for the moment: in my stubbornness and strong-willed, often (I admit) controlling nature, I know that, as much as I want to, I cannot do this alone. I have no idea how, or where, to begin; the words, the ideas are far braver than I now feel. That I will have to look up for help; it’s the only way.
Stay tuned!
