I recently realized that I had not been fully living life; I had merely been going through the motions. I suppose this was due, in part, to the fact that I was still licking my wounds caused by a failed marriage and having to move back home with my parents, two children in tow. That alone is enough to leave any independent woman faded in her own mind from puffing on the pipe of dreams as she envisioned what life could have been like if only the marriage had worked.
I supplemented my need for a male in my life by associating with technically unavailable men, be it unavailable in the traditional sense or emotionally. Try not to judge me too harshly until you have walked just half a mile in my stilettos, hunny bee. In my reality, life is all about balancing, and I was trying my best to balance my inner pleasure seeker with that of the virtuous woman that I strive daily to immerse and become one with. Trust me, that’s one hell of a balancing act for a woman that loves to vividly experience each and every emotion and sensation in their entireties, bordering the line of obsession. Passionately is the only way to truly experience life.
On the flip side, I thought that no available man would really want me because I had children and lived with my parents. There were many nights that I couldn’t sleep until I had downed at least half a bottle of Cabernet, Merlot, or Riesling. Please don’t get me started on my constant fear that I was getting too old to get remarried and have more children.
I have since made my peace with God. I feel as though my life has been kissed on the lips by the sweet warm rays of the sun. I am playing nice with Karma in hopes that she won’t hold my previous indiscretions against me. Thirty’s looking pretty lush, captivating, and nice-sty from where I now stand, which is on top of my world. I am … Queen of my Castle.
