Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. Tomorrow, if all goes well, will be the day I begin my very first romance.
Let me introduce myself. I am nineteen years old. I’m a college student. And I have never been kissed. The closest I’ve been to a relationship is living vicariously through my best friends. Am I ready for this? On the one hand, ohhh no. I’m self-conscious and unsure, and just thinking about dating someone is making me nauseous and nervous as all hell. But on the other hand, yes. I’m ready to grow in this way. I’m happy being independent but I’m ready to learn to depend on someone else and let them depend on me. I’m ready to venture boldly (or not) into the dating world. And, damn it, I’m just ready to have a boyfriend. A BF, a man, my very own.
I’m sure you have a question on your mind. Why, oh, why, in this day and age, am I nineteen (almost twenty!) and chronically single?? I must be ugly or mean, or one of those religious nuts. Well, first of all, I am Christian, but that’s certainly not what’s keeping me from dating. As far as I’m told, I’m far from ugly. And I’d like to think I’m not mean. I mean, I kill bunnies sometimes, but other than that ...
KIDDING. I am a good person.
I think so far what has kept me from dating has been my attitude. The idea of dating and relationships absolutely scares me out of my mind. I have no idea what to expect going into this. Sharing myself completely with another person is not my default setting. I am by nature quiet and reserved. It’s only been through my dearest friends the last couple of years that I’ve learned to come out of my shell. And now I’m ready to fly. [Yes, apparently I was born a turtle and now I am magically a bird. It’s late for me. Don’t read into these metaphors too much.] I want to overcome this fear and grow into a more complete person.
So now there’s this guy. Tee hee. He is, in a word, perfect. Or, as close to perfect as I have ever known. My major requirements in any guy are these: #1 he must be Christian, #2 he must be taller than me, and #3 he must be intelligent. This man is a Christian leader on our campus, he’s 6’5”, and he is absolutely brilliant. Check, check, and check. He’s kind, he’s funny, he’s athletic (omg, his bod!), he loves kids, he cooks (!), he’s down-to-earth, and his eyes make me melt. I’ve been hanging out with him for months and have been hinting the whole time at liking him. The problem is that, due to lack of experience, I am terrible at this. Subtlety is to my style as whispering is to silently mouthing the words. No man alive (and, honestly, few women) would get my hints. Especially not this man, who is rather overwhelmingly logical. But I’m starting to really think that he likes me back, although I’m fairly certain he’s not going to do anything without knowing whether or not I feel the same.
So, the plan, as proposed by my far-more-experienced friends, is thus: tomorrow, after the Bible study we’re both in, I’m going to pull him aside as everyone is going home and say something to the effect of, I think you’re kind of great and I kind of really like you but if you don’t like me I’d still like to be friends with you and get to know you better because in the end I just think you’re kind of great. Hopefully not quite that awkwardly, but you get the gist.
My stomach is somersaulting just thinking about it. It sounds so easy, typing it out like that. In reality, I am terrified. But I want to do this so much. I’ve been thinking about it for much too long. There are so many reasons racing around in my head as to why I shouldn’t do this, but I’ll regret it so much more if I say nothing and miss my chance altogether.
Thoughts? Advice? Well-wishes? All appreciated. There will be an update tomorrow. Ta-ta, lovelies!
