One of the most alluring MANimals in the MANimal Kingdom is Mr. Elusive. He is charming, open, sensitive, and seems to know exactly what to say to make your heart melt. In fact, a Mr. Elusive may even initially give you more affection, attention, and declarations regarding your special connection more than any other man you have ever dated. However, he is most likely unable to sustain the pace and may “vanish” or distant. You are not imagining that he goes hot, then cold. It’s true. Here’s why:
The “D-Factor” (Date-Ability Factor) Assessment identifies the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are “leaking” into your dating experiences. In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful you may have stopped dating, can’t get beyond date one, two, or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into your life—MANimals who are not relationship-ready!
While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.
As I mentioned to the two clients with whom I did D-Factor Assessment Coaching Debriefs last week, the truth is this: this stuff is unconscious. It’s almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe, and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.
The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks! And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.
Let’s put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what Mr. Elusive is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?
The Typical Mr. Elusive “D-Factor”
The Mr. Elusive will most likely have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the “Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs” he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired may look like this:
Mr. Elusive lives in a cycle in which he is consistently varies between anger and victimhood. While he may not direct his anger at you, he is filled with self-doubt, guilt, and blame. If you are a woman who is highly motivated by “winning,” or trying to capture a Mr. Elusive, you will be magnetized him as your “need to win” is on the same vibrational frequency as his self-directed anger and guilt. Often, Mr. Elusive becomes burned out by relationship or dating, which is why he will disappear. Frustrated by his inability to maintain the pacing he initiated, he will ultimately blame you, feel guilt, and disappear. Mr. Elusive typically has poor conflict resolution skills, which is why he will simply vanish instead of create an opportunity to explore his feelings, the relationship, or how to get his needs met.
Mr. Elusive won’t commit, rationalizes his choices, and often battles feelings of guilt. He may truly care about you, but is unable to cope, manage, or create win-win relationships. Instead of communicating his fears or changing his behaviors, he will often blame you, and then feel guilty that he can’t give you what you need. He often will avoid confrontation, take everything personally, and often will feel as if he is being persecuted for his and other’s mistakes. He will typically keep his feelings and opinions to himself, except for when he is blaming you. In addition, Mr. Elusive can quickly fall into co-dependent relationships yet views women and relationships as “dangerous.” Often, he feels like his way of living, beliefs, and behaviors are not “fit” to exist within the confines of a relationship. In fact, deep below the surface, Mr. Elusive truly fears that he is not deserving of love, so will often sabotage relationships, feeling he is not capable of having one.
